Memory

Capture Your Grief 2015

Day #7: Memory

Today's topic hits me hard.  Memories.  This has been a difficult month for me because the memories of last year are coming at me in every direction.  Today is the day when I was rushed to Sioux Falls by ambulance due to bleeding and a confusing ultrasound.  I remember the fear, the panic, the hopelessness as I waited for the specialist in my hospital room in Sioux Falls.  And then I remember the relief, the joy, the happiness after he told me everything was fine with my body and my baby.  That I just needed to be "careful" since I had a weak spot on my uterus.  But everything was going to be okay.

I remember going back to Sioux Falls two weeks later for another ultrasound with the specialist.  When they asked if we wanted to know the gender, we didn't hesitate.  "Yes!"  Even though we did not find out the gender of our boys before they were delivered.  But I felt differently this time.  I wanted to bond with my baby this time because we had gone through so much already and I wanted to be able to talk to him or her in a more personal manner.  When the ultrasound technician told us we were having a little girl, I started crying.  Brett and I were both shocked and excited for this new adventure of having a girl in our family.  We stopped at a store on our way home to buy a little girl onesie as a way to tell the boys they were going to have a little sister.  

I remember how happy we all were.  How we felt grateful that although we had gone through a big scare, everything was going to be okay.  I remember feeling at peace.  Everything felt good.  But little did we know, those feelings would not last.

Looking back at these memories, I feel angry at God.  If He was always going to take Gabriella away from us, why didn't He do it the day I started bleeding?  Why did He allow us to feel relief that everything was going to be okay, when in fact it was not?  Why did He allow us to plan, hope, and feel excited for our future with our baby girl when we were never going to experience it?  Why put us through the emotional roller coaster for two months?  Why not just take her from us before we started imagining her in our arms and our lives?  

I don't know why God chose to take her when He did, but I am grateful for the time He gave me with her.  I'm grateful that I was given the chance to find out she was a girl.  To feel her move in my belly, to talk with her and bond with her.  Because if she had died the day I started bleeding, I would never have been able to see her or hold her.  And now, instead of anticipating a life together here, I can look forward to a life together forever in heaven.  I imagine holding her in my arms again some day...but this time she will open her eyes.  This time, she will smile and laugh.  This time, she will be alive.  And it will be good...it will be amazing...it will be perfect.  

     

Books

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #6: Books

Soon after Gabriella passed away, I was given this book by a friend who had also experienced infant loss.  My friend found a lot of comfort from this book after her son died and wanted to share it with me.  The first time I read it, I couldn't see the words because I was crying so hard.  The message was wonderful and really felt like Gabriella was speaking to me in the words.  Many times, Kaleb asked me to read it to him.  We would sit close together and read, often stopping between pages to share our visions of heaven.  I think it brought us both comfort.  We know Gabriella is in heaven and we know that heaven is an amazing place.  And this book helped us to imagine Gabriella laughing and celebrating with Jesus.  Oh, what a wonderful day it will be when we are reunited in heaven with her!  

Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears in Heaven

by Linda DeyMaz

Mommy, please don't cry...a beautiful angel carried me here!  I met Jesus today, Mommy!  He cradled me in his big, strong arms.  He made me feel so happy inside.

Mommy, please don't cry...heaven is wonderful!  Did you know the streets are made of gold?  Real gold!  I have lots of friends, Mommy.  We run and play, we giggle and laugh.  I can't wait to show you my secret hideouts!

Mommy, please don't cry...when I fall it doesn't hurt!  There are no tears in heaven!  I've met a man named Noah.  He told me about his big boat, all the animals, and the very first rainbow.  Have you heard of Noah, Mommy? 

Mommy, please don't cry...we have lots of parties here.  With streamers and hats, and the best chocolate cake ever!  When it's time to rest angels tuck us in.  I never get scared Mommy, there is no darkness here!  Jesus is the light of heaven.  

Mommy, please don't cry...the angels are always singing.  I love to sing with the angels!  You'd be proud of me, I have a pretty good voice.  I must have gotten it from you.  There is a river, Mommy.  In the most beautiful garden you could ever imagine...and a huge tree with yummy fruit.  The angels call it the tree of life.  Mommy, it's so wonderful to be alive in heaven!  

Mommy, please don't cry...sometimes I just like to be by myself.  That's when I think of you.  Someday, Mommy we will hold each other tight.  Then you will cradle me in your arms and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together.  

Mommy, please don't cry...I'll wait right here for you.  

Empathy

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #5: Empathy

My picture today shows our dog Addison.  Addie has been with us since the beginning.  We picked her up as a puppy the month after we were married.  In the last ten years Addie has seen a lot of ups and downs in our family.  I feel very strongly that animals sense our emotions.  They can feel when there is a change of energy in the home.  And they react accordingly to best serve their masters.  

When I was pregnant with Kaleb, Addie would lay her head on my stomach.  It felt as though she was protecting the new life inside of me.  And when I went into labor with him, she paced right next to me though every contraction.  Now, when the boys are outside playing alone in the backyard, Addie stays close by them.  Again, it feels like she is trying to protect them while we are away.  She is always near letting us know she cares about us.  

Last year when I was on bed rest, Addie stayed in my room next to the bed.  The kids were at school and Brett was at work.  So it felt like she was the one "in charge" of me.  She watched my every move and stayed near.  The day before we lost Gabriella, I remember that instead of lying on the floor, Addie jumped up on the bed and slept on my legs.  And when I tried to move, she looked at me like I needed to just stay still.  I often wonder, did she sense something?  Could she feel Gabriella losing strength?  Did she know I would need that comfort and support?  Whatever the reason, Addie knew I needed her to be near me at that time, and so she didn't leave me.

That type of empathy is hard to find.  That drop-everything, unselfish, love-you-no-matter-what, kind of empathy is amazing.  And sometimes it comes from the most unlikely source at the most important time.  Addie was my support and comfort when I needed her the most.  And it is my hope that I can learn to be more empathetic to others around me.  And feel when someone needs support and do my best to bring them peace and comfort.  Because I know.  I know how lonely life can feel at the darkest times.  And all anyone really needs to feel better is a friend who lies by their side during the rough times and stays near until they feel better.  

  

Dark + Light

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #4: Dark + Light

After Gabriella passed away, I felt like I had unwillingly entered a black tunnel.  There was no turning back, the only way to go was forward.  In the beginning the darkness overtook me.  I felt sad every second of every day.  I felt hopeless and alone.  It was a scary path and I didn't know how I would ever find my way out.  All I knew was that I just had to keep moving forward.  To help me navigate the darkness, I prayed to God.  I asked for strength and for guidance.  Anything to help me along the way.  And eventually I began to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.  

I started writing about my feelings, and the light became a bit brighter.  I spent time with family and friends and learned to laugh again.  I read scriptures and found meaning from the Bible.  I looked at my boys and saw purpose and love.  And with all of this, the light became clearer and my path became a little bit easier.  

I still feel like I am trying to navigate my way out of this tunnel.  Some days are easier than others.  There are days where I feel like the light burns out and the path becomes so dark that I am forced to just stay still.  Those are my tough days.  And I think it's okay to have these tough days.  To stop and feel the feelings that take over my body.  To cry and scream and question.  Because there is a clarity that comes after these tough days.  An understanding of the path that I am on.  And with that understanding comes the light, and I am able to move forward once again.

Then Jesus spoke to them, saying "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." ~John 8:12

   

  

In Honor

Capture Your Grief 2015

Day #3: In Honor 

This is a picture of Kaleb's schoolwork that he brought home last week.  It makes my heart so happy to read that he listed having one brother and one sister.  Gabriella is always remembered and we know she is and always will be a member of our family.  But sometimes this is difficult because she is not physically seen in our family.  So how do we honor her presence?

~When strangers ask how many kids we have, we tell them two with us and one in heaven.  

~When we say our evening prayers as a family, we always include Gabriella's name in the blessing.

~When well-meaning individuals tell us that we need to try for a little girl since we already have two boys, we kindly let them know that we already do have a little girl in our family.

~We find ways to include her in our family photos.

~We remember...the pregnancy, the ultrasound pictures, the excitement...and we talk about it together as a family.  How it felt to have Gabriella join our family and how it felt when she left for heaven.  

We honor Gabriella every day by knowing that she lives within each of us.  It is because of her why we are more compassionate with one another.  Why we hug one another a little bit more.  And say "I love you" every day.  Because of Gabriella, we are grateful.  Because of Gabriella, we are better people.  And we will honor that for the rest of our lives.    

Intention

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #2: Intention

Intention:  (Definition) A thing intended.  An aim or a plan.  The healing process of a wound.

I love to exercise and I have always been an active person.  But lately I haven't been taking care of myself.  I run, but I don't enjoy it anymore.  I work out at the YMCA, but I dread seeing people there.  I try to go for walks and bike rides, but it just feels "hard".  I miss my excitement for exercise.  And since I haven't been enjoying it, I just don't do it.  

I think the reason why I have been struggling to exercise is because I've been angry at my body.  It failed me at the most important time of my life.  It couldn't take care of Gabriella.  And I am so mad that my body wasn't strong enough to fight off the infection and save her.  I feel like my body is to blame for this tragedy.  If only I had been healthier, stronger, better...maybe my baby girl would be here with me instead of in heaven.  

So lately I have been neglecting my body.  I don't exercise, I don't eat healthy, and I haven't been feeling good about myself and the way I look.  But enough is enough.  I know my precious baby girl was always meant for heaven.  There is nothing I could have done to keep her here with me.  And now I owe it to her to take better care of myself.  Because I have two little boys and a husband who need a healthy and happy mommy and wife.  I want to enjoy life to the fullest with them.  And to do that I need to be mentally and physically healthy.  

It is my intention to be healthy and to take care of my body in a better manner. 

I intend to find my love of exercise once again.  I intend to eat healthy meals and to drink plenty of water.  I intend to pray and to build my faith.  I intend to stop negative self-talk and to focus on the positives in my life.  I intend to love others with my whole heart and I intend to live life with no regrets.  

Sunrise

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #1: Sunrise

I woke up early this morning to find the best place to view the sunrise.  Once I arrived at my spot, I sat and enjoyed the peace and quiet for a bit.  The sky was still dark and the world seemed to still be sleeping.  Then the sky began to glow in colors of yellows, pinks, and light blues as the new day was dawning.  It was beautiful.  I longed to sit there forever and soak it all in.  Soon, a fisherman pulled up next to me in a noisy pickup and began pulling his equipment out of the bed of his truck.  I glared at him and silently willed him to hurry up and move along so I could enjoy the sunrise again.  In just seconds my peaceful morning was becoming invaded by the hustle and bustle of life.  

I often feel this same way about my grief journey.  There are moments when I want to just sit and be alone to examine my feelings.  I want to talk to God without any distractions.  I want to cry behind closed doors and let out my frustrations.  And I often feel anger when someone distracts me from my quiet thoughts or my alone time.  I feel resentment because they can't possibly understand my grief.  With these feelings of anger and resentment, I find myself pulling away from family and friends to be alone.  And from this I have learned: being alone is one thing, and feeling lonely is quite another.  

This peaceful morning reminded me that alone time is wonderful for the soul.  It is a time to talk to God and to marvel in the beauty around us that He created.  It is a time to reconnect and to recharge.  But God created our world so that we may share our experiences with others.  It is important to be with others, to talk to one another, and to experience life's joys and tragedies together.  Because how lonely would life be if we didn't have anyone to share it (the good and the bad) with?  

This morning, instead of looking at the fisherman in disgust because he ruined my peaceful moment, I should have said "good morning".  I should have greeted him with a smile.  I should have been the supportive person that God created me to be.  Because just maybe, that fisherman was having a rough morning.  Just maybe he lost someone he loved too.  And maybe he needed that friendly smile to help start his day off right.  We don't know one another's journeys in life, but we do know that God created us to be a community.  He doesn't want us to feel lonely.     

Giving Up

April was a very emotional month for me.  I really thought that once Gabriella's due date had passed I would feel better and be ready to move on.  I was wrong.  It was so much harder than I realized.  After Gabriella's due date I began mourning the baby I never received rather than the pregnancy that ended too soon.  I felt sadness and anger, just like I did before Gabriella's due date, but in a more intense manner.  I wanted my baby.  And since I knew that wasn't possible, I was mad and felt like giving up.

My breaking point came when I attended a bridal shower this month.  A cousin of mine was there with her newborn baby.  A little girl born a week before Gabriella's due date.  She was precious, tiny, sweet, and everything I imagined when I thought of what my baby girl would be like.  I heard her little cries and her baby sucking sounds when eating.  And I completely lost it.  It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body.  I wanted a baby so badly.  I should have had a baby.  It wasn't fair.  I left the party feeling very defeated.  I came home and told Brett I didn't want to live this life anymore. 

This life was too hard.  I wasn't strong enough for it.  I couldn't handle living life without my daughter.  And I didn't want to live without my daughter.  To think of feeling this pain and heartache for 30, 40, or 50 more years of my life was just too much.  There was no way I could do it.  And then I felt anger towards God.  Why did He give me this life to live?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why did He allow some people to have kids who really shouldn't, and yet I'm left here with empty arms?  It just didn't make sense to me.  I cried and cried that night until I had nothing left inside of me.  My head pounded with a horrible headache and I fell asleep emotionally and physically exhausted.

When I woke up the next morning, the sun was shining.  A new day had begun despite me desperately wanting life to just stop.  My kids and Brett needed me, so I went through the motions of being a good mommy and wife even when everything inside of me was screaming in pain.  I did this "autopilot" living for awhile; cleaning house, exercising, making meals, grocery shopping, doing laundry, all while feeling dead inside.  

And then Brett told me it was time to finalize Gabriella's burial arraignments.  We had been keeping her ashes at the funeral home until we were ready to set up a burial.  We just hadn't been ready to do that yet.  I still wasn't ready to do that.  It was just another reminder that our daughter was dead.  I didn't want to have to bury my baby.  I didn't want to have to pick out a headstone.  I just didn't want to face it.  I wasn't strong enough.  But on that day, Brett forced me to the funeral home because he said "it was time".  And it was time.  It was exactly what I needed.  And when we left the funeral home, I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders.  

On that day, I faced my reality.  I am a mother to a child in heaven.  And I will be forever.  Yes, I will always miss Gabriella.  Yes, I will have bad days.  Yes, my heart will probably always hurt for what wasn't meant to be.  But none of that has to stop me from living.  It will be hard and there will be plenty more days where I will feel like giving up.  And on those hard days I will need to remind myself that I am here for a reason.  God has a plan for me and I need to honor Gabriella by living my life with purpose.  Living on "autopilot" just won't do.  I want to give up my life to God.  Remembering that each day is a gift from Him and always trying to live it in a manner that would make Him happy and Gabriella proud.  This is my promise...I have a lot more life to live.  

  

Choices

Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate conflict.  In situations where my "fight or flight" instincts kick in, I usually fly away.  When I have an argument with a family member or friend, I usually just leave and walk away from the person.  I think this is partly because I need time to think things through before I react in a way that I would regret later.  But I think the main reason I run away from conflict is because I really hate not feeling in control.  I like things neat, orderly, predictable, and happy.  And when life isn't going that way, I struggle.  Obviously my life lately has been anything but neat, orderly, predictable, or happy.  And I am struggling.  Some days I struggle a lot.  I have been in many situations where all I want to do is run away from the pain.  To the comfort of my bed...away from people...where I can be alone with my thoughts.  

When a good friend told me she was pregnant, two weeks after Gabriella passed away, I ran away.  I ran to my bed and I stayed there for days.  I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep.  All I did was cry.  Life felt cruel. I struggled to even take care of my boys.  I remember one morning Kaleb asked me if they could eat breakfast.  It was almost 10:30 in the morning and I was still in bed ignoring life around me.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit how poorly I was taking care of myself and my kids at that time.  The choice was mine, and I had chosen to run away.

When I volunteered in Kaleb's classroom a month after Gabriella was gone, a little girl came up to me and asked me where my baby was.  She saw I didn't have a pregnant belly anymore and wanted to know if I had my baby.  When I told her no, she wanted to know what happened.  My heart felt like it was breaking in bits.  I couldn't breathe.  I wanted to run out of the classroom and go back home where it was safe.  But I stayed.  I told the little girl to get ready for school and to not worry about my baby at that moment.  I'm proud of myself in that situation.  I chose to stay even when I felt panicked.

These two situations show that every day, in every moment, I have a choice.  I can run away from the pain and feel angry at God for giving me this life to live.  And trust me, there have been moments and times when I have...

*I have blocked "friends" on Facebook because I cannot handle to see their posts about being pregnant.

*I have asked my pastor to tell me when there is a baptism in church because I know I'm not strong enough to watch it and will just stay home.  

*I leave situations where there are brand new babies around me.  Especially if these babies were born when Gabriella was or should have been.

*I have sold our baby toys, car seats, and baby bedding because I couldn't handle seeing it in our home and knowing that they wouldn't get used.

I pray that I won't always feel the need to run away in these situations.  I hope that as my pain lessens, I will be able to stay in these situations that force me to remember my baby girl and all that wasn't meant to be.

In time I know I will accept this life and trust that God gave it to me for a reason.  Running away from the pain won't bring Gabriella back to me.  Being angry at God won't take away my sadness.  I was having a bad night not too long ago and feeling sorry for myself.  I was talking to Gabriella in my mind and telling her I wasn't strong enough to live this life without her.  I was crying and feeling hopeless.  I closed my eyes and instantly saw a white cross in the blackness of my vision.  It was amazing.  I knew at that moment Gabriella was telling me I didn't have to worry about being strong enough, because God is my strength.  And the only way I will get through this pain is by having complete trust in Him.  When I feel like running away because my grief hurts too much, I know that all I need to say is "God I need you, help me".  

No, my life isn't neat, orderly, or predictable right now.  And some days I don't feel very happy.  But I am so grateful that I don't have to be in charge.  I don't have to worry about what comes next.  God has that part of my life covered.  He has things under control and everything is happening exactly as He wants it.  All I need to do is trust Him, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride.  The choice is all mine, and I choose my faith.  

{Good} Friday

Today on Good Friday, Gabriella's due date, I thought a lot about death.  I thought about it all day as I thought of Gabriella and how she should be here in my arms.  I heard about it at church tonight as we remembered Jesus' crucifixion on the cross.  And with these thoughts of death came feelings of despair, darkness, and loneliness.  It was a sad day for me.  A depressing day.  On days like today it is hard to find hope.    

On my last blog post I had a lot of questions for God.  I wondered why He allowed this to happen and why it had to happen to me.  I was hurt that He didn't answer my prayers.  Yesterday, on Maundy Thursday, we remembered the story of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Jesus was feeling overwhelmed with what was to come and prayed to God.  He fell to the ground in despair and prayed.

  

“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)

Jesus prayed this to God three different times and yet God did not answer him.  Jesus, God's own son, did not get his prayers answered.  God did not change His mind even though He knew His son would be hurt and that other people would feel pain when Jesus died.  God knew what needed to happen in order to save all sinners.  And He sacrificed His own son in order for that to happen.  This is amazing.  When I was on my knees asking God to protect Gabriella and to keep her safe, He didn't answer me.  It was not His will.  He doesn't want us to be sad or to feel pain, but He can use these painful circumstances to His glory.  I'm not sure why God needed Gabriella in heaven, but I trust that there is goodness that will come from the pain.  God's plan is too big to understand, but some day it will all make sense.   

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

During Good Friday service tonight at church I couldn't stop thinking about Mary and the pain she felt from seeing her son die.  She stood in the crowd and watched Jesus until he took his last breath.  I cannot understand how horrible this would be to witness.  But I can understand a portion of Mary's grief for losing her child.  I understand the sadness she felt at thinking it would be the last time she felt him, saw him, heard him.  I understand the feeling of losing a part of your soul and not knowing how to survive without it.  I understand how alone she had to feel.  But even then, while on the cross dying, Jesus made sure his mother would not be alone.

When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,”  and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

(John 19:26-27)

Jesus asked John to care for his mother after he died.  He knew she would need the love and support when she was consumed with grief.  I, too, feel like God has placed important people in my life to help me while I grieve.  It's amazing how a phone call, a text message, a letter, a card, etc. can brighten my darkest days.  And I truly feel that God places these people in my life at exactly the right time.  God doesn't want me to be alone in my grief.  So, thank you to everyone who helps me get through each day with your love and support.

Mary had the support from friends and family, yet it had to be hard for her to find hope after Jesus died.  I'm sure there were feelings of anger, guilt, and sadness that consumed her thoughts.  And now looking back at the Easter story, we know that Mary doesn't have to wait long to find hope.  In just three days Jesus returns from the dead!  Oh, the joy and happiness Mary had to feel at seeing her son again.  What a miraculous event!  And because of Jesus' selfless act of dying on the cross for our sins, I will someday be able to see my sweet Gabriella in heaven.  What joy that day will bring...  

I don't know how long it will be for me to find the hope in this pain.  Right now everything still feels so dark, sad, and overwhelming.  I just recently found a connection with my grief and the fire damage from Wednesday's grass fires.  As a family tonight, we drove to the land that was burnt and sat and stared at the acres of dark ground.  The ground was black, it smelled, and it was ugly to see.  It's hard to imagine that anything good could survive from something that horrible.  But something good will come from the ashes.  The fire will help manage the weeds, it will reduce the risk of future wildfires, it will help restore nutrients in the grasses which ultimately will help the plant growth for the future. This is amazing to me!  In a month or so, that area will not be black, smelly, or ugly.  It will be the exact opposite.  There will be new beautiful growth for all to see!  I can only hope for that transformation in my life too.  I can hope that there will be light in the future instead of the darkness I feel now.  That there will be happiness instead of the sadness.  And that I will feel trust that God is directing my life in the way He feels is best instead of feeling overwhelmed with life's struggles.  That is my hope this Easter weekend.  That from the dark ashes of this grief will come new life that will grow stronger and more faithful as each day passes.  

  

Questions

This has been a rough month.  And now it's the beginning of an even harder week.  The week of Gabriella's due date.  This is the week that I anticipated from the moment I found out I was pregnant.  April 3rd was always the finish line; the time we would receive our precious gift. I had thought it was so wonderful that her due date was on Good Friday and over the Easter weekend.  What an amazing time to celebrate new life!  But now things are different and I feel so upset that instead of celebrating new life we are grieving all that is lost.  April 3rd is going to be a very difficult day for me.  And as I sit here thinking about all that should've been, I have questions that I so desperately need answered...    

Why me?  Why did this tragedy have to happen to me and my family?  Why was Gabriella taken away from us?  I just don't understand why God allowed this to happen.  Especially when I know He had the power to change the outcome.  Why didn't He?  After my water broke, I prayed desperately to God asking Him to keep my daughter safe.  I asked for health and healing, and also for more time so our little baby would be able to survive outside of my tummy.  But my prayers weren't answered.  Why?  Why wasn't God listening to me?  Why didn't He want to help me?

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me.  Am I not a "good enough" person and that's why God didn't hear my prayers?  Maybe I didn't do enough or maybe I wasn't asking in the right way.  I don't know.  But I have felt a lot of guilt and have wondered "if only" I would've done things differently, maybe Gabriella would be here now with me.

If only...I had felt content with two children rather than feeling such a strong desire to have another baby.  If only...I hadn't continued to run 2 miles every other day while pregnant with Gabriella.  If only...I had requested more tests when I started bleeding the doctors would have found the infection before my water broke.  If only...I had demanded to stay in the hospital instead of coming home to be on bed rest.  If only...I had been given antibiotics right away.  If only...

If any of these things had changed, would the outcome have been different?  Would Gabriella be here today instead of in heaven?  I don't know.  And it is so frustrating for me that I don't know why this happened or if I could have done something differently to keep Gabriella safe.  And as I sit here and think about all of these questions, I realize that maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong way...maybe instead of asking "why" and "if only", I should be asking "what now".

What now God?  My life has been torn apart.  I feel broken and lonely.  What now?  What is your plan for me?  I know that all of this happened for a reason, so what is it that I need to do to fulfill Your purpose?  I realize that when I feel so desperate to know all of the answers, this is my way to gain control over my life.  But that is wrong.  I'm not in control, and for that I am grateful.  Please Lord, show me the way.  Guide me towards the light.

    

Fog

I'm not sure who I am anymore.  I'm not "me", at least not the "me" that I used to be.  And I hate it.  I hate that everything feels so different now.  I do the things that I used to do before Gabriella, but now it's not the same.  I'm not the same.  I feel like I'm constantly in a fog and I'm not quite aware of what is happening around me.  When will this fog go away?  When will I feel clear again?  When will I feel like "me" again?

It's so difficult to explain this fog that is around me.  It's there with me when I wake up in the morning and it sticks around all day until I go to bed at night.  It fills my ears with white noise and it takes away my taste buds.  It clouds my vision so I have a difficulty seeing bright colors.  It sits on my chest and makes it difficult to breathe.  It brings tears to my eyes at the most awkward of times.  And worst of all, it fills my mind with cloudy thoughts making it difficult for me to focus.  This fog, my grief, has taken "me" away.

I hate that this fog has taken over my body.  I hate that the fog controls me.  I hate that it takes away the enjoyment in things I used to love.  I used to love coffee, but now it tastes bitter and leaves me feeling jittery.  I used to love to read, but now I cannot focus on the words to understand what the story is about.  I used to love to watch reality tv shows, but now the characters seem so silly and superficial.  I used to love to talk with friends, but now my mind is so cloudy it's hard for me to focus on what they are saying.  I try so hard to push the fog away, to get back to living my life.  But it's a struggle and as hard as I push the fog away, it pushes right back harder at me.

And there are some days where the fog pushes so hard that it suffocates me.  These are the days that the fog controls my mind and clouds my thoughts with the "what should've beens".  The days when I think I should be sitting at home holding Gabriella; nursing her, hugging her, kissing her.  The days I see pregnant women with big swollen bellies and faces filled with anticipation and joy, and I feel such strong jealousy.  The days when another birth announcement shows up on Facebook, and I think that should've been us.  That's when the fog suffocates me so hard that I fall to my knees in pain.  And I cry for what was taken away.

But when I'm down on my knees in pain, I know it's the perfect time to pray to God.  I ask God to clear my mind and open my heart to what He wants me to see.  To do what He wants me to do.  To feel what He wants me to feel.  And the fog lifts a little bit.  Enough for me to feel like I can breathe again.  And I thank God because I know the fog would take over my body and life if it wasn't for Him.

And as crazy as it sounds, I really think God wants me to see this fog and truly experience it.  He doesn't want me to run from my grief in fear and denial.  Instead He wants me to feel the heartache, to see the jealousy, to cry the tears, and to scream out to Him in frustration.  Because then, and only then when I have hit rock bottom, can God build me back up again.  And I can feel that He is working on me right now.  Piece by piece, He is creating a new "me".  Not the "me" I was before Gabriella.  A better "me".

I'm not sure when this fog will go away, but I do know that God will never leave me.  And it comforts me to know that eventually this new "me" will shine so brightly from the love God built within my soul that the fog will have no choice but to leave.  

Signs from Above

Every day I ask God to give me strength to make it through another day without Gabriella.  I ask Him to give me peace in knowing that she is in heaven and feeling no pain.  And I pray for guidance in our future and hope that there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel.  These are the things I pray to God when I first open my eyes in the morning and what I ask of Him when I go to bed at night.  I know that He hears me and I know that He is always with me.  I have spent time thinking about these past few months since Gabriella passed and have realized that there are some very specific signs from God showing me that He has His arms around us right now.

First, and most importantly, are our boys.  Kaleb and Kollin have both said some incredibly sensitive things while seeing us grieve.  They have an insight that is amazing at their young ages.  It is so amazing that I know God is helping them to understand their sadness and find peace in it.  Here are a few examples of things the boys have said to us in these past few months:
1. When we first came home from the hospital in December we were sitting together as a family with our arms around one another.  Kaleb explained that he and Kollin saw a commercial on tv with an angel in it.  Kaleb said he told Kollin, "That's what our sister looks like.  She is our guardian angel and she is watching over us in heaven".  It warmed our hearts to know that Kaleb understood that Gabriella was in heaven and was explaining it to Kollin...especially since it had only been days since she passed away.
2. The week of Christmas, I was feeling especially sad and lonely without Gabriella.  I told the boys that I missed her and wished she was with us.  Kollin immediately told me, "She is here!  She's right beside us and she will always be with us! She's our angel watching over us!"  I started crying because it is true and exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.  Gabriella will always be a part of us and will always be in our hearts.
3. We were eating dinner together a few weeks ago when Kaleb said, "We have 3 boys in our family and 3 girls in our family.  Daddy, Kaleb, and Kollin are on the boys' team.  And Mommy, Gabriella, and Addie(our dog) are on the girls' team!"  We all smiled at this thought and made a joke out of how mommy has a dog and an angel on her team.  But I love knowing that Kaleb is keeping her a part of our family forever.
4. Just last week Kaleb was talking about the local Father/Daughter dance in our community.  He said, "Daddy could go!  He has a daughter, but she's an angel, so it would look like he's going by himself!"  Again, I love that Kaleb honors Gabriella's memory by thinking of her as a member of our family.  And when he hears something about sisters or daughters, he thinks of her.
5. And then just a few days ago Kaleb said something that really warmed my heart.  We were talking about families who have 5-6 kids and how different that would be from our family.  Kaleb stated that he wanted 4 kids in our family.  I exclaimed, "You want us to have 2 more kids?!"  And he said very calmly, "No, Mommy, not 2 more kids.  We already have Gabriella, so we only need one more kid to make it 4 kids in our family."   This statement brought tears to my eyes because it's true.  We don't just have 2 kids in our family.  We have 3; two live here with us and one lives in our hearts.  And she always will be with us.

Another time I felt like God has spoken to me has been right before I drift off to sleep.  It's at that time when I'm just about to start dreaming.  About one month ago, I was in this very relaxed state when I suddenly saw a little girl's profile.  And then she turned and looked at me.  I startled awake and sat up in bed.  My heart was beating very quickly and my hands were shaking.  I can't remember what this girl looked like now but it was something that felt very important to me.  A few weeks ago, I was in this same almost-dreaming state when I pictured a baby's hand opening and closing inside a crib.  It was very peaceful and very detailed.  I can still remember the baby's dimpled skin and blue fuzzy sleeper it was wearing.  And just last week I had a dream that I can't stop thinking about.  I was carrying a car seat around with a baby inside of it, but telling everyone that I just couldn't look at my baby.  Because I knew that she had to leave me and I didn't want to bond with her.  I didn't want to see her before she had to go.  I begged for others to help me, to help my baby stay with me.  But no one could help.  Until someone told me, "Just look at her".  When I finally did, I saw a little girl with strawberry blond hair and fair skin, she looked just like Brett.  And then she smiled at me this most amazing, big smile.  This is all I remember, because shortly after that part I woke up.  I'm not sure what these dreams are telling me, but I'm hoping that they are God's way of letting me know that Gabriella is in heaven and doing just fine.

I received another "sign" this week when I was finally cleaning up the Christmas cards that were hanging up in our kitchen.  There was an advent calendar taped next to the cards that the boys had done on their own.  Since I was on bed rest during the advent season, I did not help the boys open the boxes each day.  And then we were in the hospital and trying to process Gabriella's death the rest of the month, so we didn't do much at all with that calendar.  But the boys had still found time to open 4 boxes on their own.  And they didn't choose the boxes according to the right number of day it was.  They just chose random boxes.  This week I read the boxes they opened.  Here's what they said,
1. The angel Gabriel was sent from God.
2. Then the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, for you have found favor with God".
3. And coming to her he said, "Hail favored one!  The Lord is with you!"
4. The people who walk in darkness have seen a great light.
These four messages in the advent calendar speak to me.  They tell me that God has a plan for us and a much bigger plan for Gabriella than we can understand.  And He is always with us and will bring us out of this dark time, we do not need to be fearful for the future.

And yet another "sign" came when I bought Brett a 365-day devotion book for Christmas this year.  He reads this book every morning before he gets ready for work.  I have always loved to look at different yearly devotional books to see what the message is on my birthday.  I think it has to especially speak to me since that is "my" day.  Well, I decided to look at December 11th in Brett's devotional book and see what the message was on Gabriella's special day.  Here's what it said,
We live by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).  There is a reason you are facing the challenges that are before you today.  The purpose for what you encounter is clear--God is developing your faith.  His omnipotent hand has allowed these difficulties to touch you so you will stop counting on your own wisdom or ability and turn your life over to Him.  But you don't understand, you may be thinking.  I need direction today.  I'm desperate for help now!  I have no idea how to survive this.  This is exactly where God wants us.  You've handled it all for far too long, and now--with your skills and strength failing--you are at the end of yourself.  Believe it or not, this is a good place to be.  The Father wants to show you that He is God--the living Lord of all that exists.  So lay your heart out before Him in prayer.  Tell Him you trust Him to help you.  And wait on Him to show you who He really is.  

And my final "sign" from above has been pennies.  My mom told me once that pennies were a sign from heaven, a sign that our loved ones are thinking of us.  I always thought that was silly.  Because there are pennies everywhere!  You can find a penny any where you go, so it never seemed that special to me.  Well, a week after Gabriella passed, I decided to take the boys to school.  I was very nervous to be out in public and scared to leave the safety of my bed.  As soon as I started the engine of the car, Kaleb yelled from the backseat, "Hey!  I found a penny in my cup holder!  Where did that come from?"  I immediately smiled, thinking of the poem my mom told me.  And since then, we find pennies in the most odd places at exactly the right times.  I found a penny sitting on our garage floor next to the door, Kaleb found a penny in a parking lot, and the best one...on a night that I was taking the boys out on a "date" we found a penny at the restaurant we were eating at.  These pennies are little reminders that Gabriella is near.  They make us smile and warm our hearts in knowing that heaven really isn't that far away. 

"PENNIES FROM HEAVEN"

I found a penny today

Just laying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny

This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven

that's what my Grandpa told me.

He said Angels tossed them down

Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you

They toss a penny down,

sometimes just to cheer you up

To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny

When you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven

That an Angel's tossed to you.

All of these stories that I've shared with you are my signs from above. I truly feel that God speaks to us daily, and all we need to do to hear what He is saying is open our hearts, minds, and eyes to the possibility that He is near. His messages are amazing, and without them I wouldn't be where I am today. Instead, I would be in a deep dark hole without any chance of finding my way out. But with Him, I see the light in the distance and I'm slowly, but surely, making my way in that direction.

Hope

Life is hard.  Sometimes it just plain stinks.  Bad things happen to good people and it doesn't make any sense.  I'm struggling with this thought today as I mourn the death of another beloved community member.  In the past week our small community has lost two wonderful individuals to cancer.  Both of these individuals were too young to die and it is hard to see them leave behind their kids and spouses.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Why did God allow this to happen?  Why didn't He take their illness away and heal them completely?  He has the power to do so, so why didn't He?  It's just too hard to understand God's ways.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts

~Isaiah 55:8-9

It's hard to find hope in life when everything around you crumbles.  After Gabriella passed away, I tried to find hope any way I could.  I read blogs on the Internet about other moms who lost their children.  I would soak up their stories because I could relate to their hurt and their pain of living without their babies.  I could identify with each mom who came to tell me their story of infant loss, whether it was due to illness, stillbirth, or miscarriage.  I craved to hear more and more and more.  Because there was one very important thing I received when I heard and read their stories: Hope.  These women had experienced darkness, death, struggles, hurt, pain, tears, sadness, loss...and yet, they were still living.  They had learned to move on despite the heavy weight of grief in their hearts.  They were survivors. 

Hope: (noun) the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Hope is what gets me out of bed each morning.  It's what helps me when I feel lost.  Having hope in the future gives me the strength to put one foot in front of the other and live.  I'm not sure what our future holds; but I can hope that it includes more children.  I can hope in God and pray that His ways are so much bigger and better than I could ever imagine.  Hope is what helps me when I grieve with the families who lost their loved ones this week.  Because although we are sad and miss them, we know they are now in heaven with God's arms around them.  And we can hope for that outcome for ourselves some day too.  Our hope is in God, in heaven, in everlasting life.  Where we will hug and kiss our loved ones that we have missed so dearly.  That is the ultimate hope.  

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one also hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. 

~Romans 8:24-25

I recently read somewhere that our loved ones in heaven speak to us through music.  This seems especially true for me lately.  There are so many songs that move me to tears and fill me with strength.  This song, "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey is one that really speaks to my heart.  I pray this song will fill you with as much hope as it does for me.  

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. ~Jeremiah 29:11

What I Need...

Everyone handles their grief differently and everyone needs different things that can help them while they grieve.  There really isn't a right or wrong way to help a person who is grieving. But it is important to realize that each person might need something specific to help them get through each day.  So that is why I decided to write down what I need at this time.  Please realize that this is not me asking you specifically to do these things every time you see me.  I am just letting you know what helps me especially when I am having a rough day.  I know so many of you have said to me that you don't know what to say or do to help me...well, here it is:

1. I need hugs.
This seems so simple, but it's true.  I am not a touch-feely person, and I don't usually love having other people touch me.  But through this experience I have realized that a hug can bring me back to reality when I am so lost in my own thoughts.  A hug shows me that you care and this means so much to me.  A hug is something that just makes me feel like I am not alone.  And grief is lonely...

2. I need you to ask me how I'm doing.
Please know that when you ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to be completely honest with you.  I'm going to tell you when I'm having a bad day or when my day has been good.  Be prepared for that.  I need you to care enough to listen to why I'm having a bad day.  To find out what triggered my sadness at a particular moment.  Because when I talk about it, I feel better.

3. I need to talk about Gabriella.
Gabriella is my daughter.  She always will be even though she lives in heaven rather than in my arms.  Please don't act like she never happened.  I want to honor her by talking about her, by remembering her, by always loving her.  You are not respecting me or my family if you cannot acknowledge that she is part of us.  She is our guardian angel and not only is she watching over us and keeping us safe, she is also bringing us closer to God by strengthening our faith.  She is way too important to forget.

4. I need you to stay positive.
We experienced something sad, hard, devastating, depressing, horrible...But that does not mean our lives are sad, hard, devastating, depressing, or horrible.  Far from it.  Gabriella has given us a purpose, a wake-up call to live life to the fullest.  Please give us hope by finding the positive amidst the sadness.  I never want my boys to think that our lives were ruined because Gabriella passed away.  I never want them to look at me and think I was ruined after Gabriella was gone.  Instead, I want them to see a change in me.  A positive change that could only be orchestrated by God.  And by seeing that change the boys would know God, see God, and feel God more in all of our lives.

5. I need you to tell me your story. 
I have had women contact me through e-mail, Facebook, or letters to tell me that I'm not alone.  Many of these women have stopped by my house to speak with me about the grief they experienced when losing their children.  I cannot even begin to express to you how much it has meant to me to hear their stories.  It has given me hope to see that they have found joy and peace through their pain.  That there is light even in the darkest times.  If you have lost a child at any stage of life, please tell me your story.  Let's honor our children by talking about them and remembering them in our lives.  I feel strongly that God places important people in our lives to help us at difficult times.  This is His way to show us we are never alone.

6. I need you to pray.
This one is the most important thing I need.  And I truly believe it's what every single grieving person needs.  When you don't know what to say or do to help someone who is grieving...just pray.  God will guide you in the right direction.  Please pray for my family.  Pray for peace as we learn to live a life with a piece of our hearts missing.  Ask God to strengthen our faith and to learn to trust in His will.  Please pray for light when the world seems so dark.  And most importantly, please pray that God places hope in our hearts for a future that may seem scary but will ultimately fulfill God's purpose.

Thank you for your love, your kindness, your faith.  I know I cannot handle my grief on my own.  I am grateful for the support you give me.  And it is my hope that I can help someone in the same manner some day.  

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.  Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

~2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Living in the Now

I woke up this morning and had to remind myself that Gabriella was gone.  I had to feel my stomach to realize that I didn't have a baby bump anymore.  I had to relive all that happened 8 weeks ago today.  Because this morning before I opened my eyes, when I was in that in-between state of dreaming and reality, I felt like everything that happened was a dream.  I felt like Gabriella was happy and healthy rolling around in my tummy and we were busy planning for the day she would arrive in our lives.  But then I opened my eyes and realized I was wrong.  Gabriella was gone.  And the cruel reality of our lives hit me like a punch in the stomach.

Lately I have had a hard time letting go of the past.  I relive every step of my pregnancy with Gabriella.  The day we found out we were pregnant, the day we told the boys they would be big brothers, the day I started showing a baby belly, the day we found out we were having a little girl...but along with those happy memories, I'm also reliving the scary moments in the pregnancy.  The day I started bleeding, the day I had an emergency trip to Sioux Falls in an ambulance, the day my water broke, the days I stayed in the hospital, the day Gabriella's heart stopped beating...these memories are bringing me to my knees in pain and heartache.  And it just feels like I cannot let go of the past.  What could I have done differently?  Should I have noticed warning signs before it was too late?  Oh how I wish I would have appreciated the pregnancy more in the early months before the complications started.  The coulda, shoulda, woulda feelings are driving me crazy!

And then I think of my boys.  Kaleb just turned 8 years old last month and Kollin is 5 years old.  How are they that old already?!  Where did the time go?  I look through old pictures of them as babies and I relive all of their milestones.  And I start feeling panic.  Did I appreciate the baby stage for all that it was?  I'm not sure.  I was so sleep-deprived and moving on autopilot each day that I worry I missed a lot of important moments.  Oh how I wish I could turn back time and hold them a little bit longer in the middle of the night.  And kiss their sweet little baby cheeks.  And remember their baby giggles.  Because that time is over.  We will never get it back.  We may never experience that baby time again in our lives.  And the boys are getting older and more independent each day.  Soon we will be sending them off to college to begin their adult lives.  It will come quicker than I can even imagine.  Because isn't that the piece of advice every mom gives to a new mom, "Enjoy this stage because they grow up way too fast".  I never realized how true that statement was until recently.

Living in the past is draining.  I can sit and think all day long about the time I will never get back.  And some days I do.  And some days it hurts because I wish I could re-do some of the special moments that happened.  But by reliving the past I am missing out on what is right in front of my eyes.  Yes, my boys are 8 and 5 years old.  And yes, they are growing older every minute.  But there is still a lot of time left to cherish.  I want to live in the "now" and enjoy every moment.  The future is scary and unknown.  Who knows where this road will take us?  We don't know, but God knows.  And God will be there with us every step of the way.  God was there with us in the past throughout every joy and tragedy.  And He remembers it all.  And God is with us right now.  He will never leave us.  Whatever life throws at us, God is by our side.  Oh, what comfort that brings.

 

Thrive

These past two weeks have been rough for me.  It seems like life is moving forward for everyone else, yet I am still stuck in a dark place.  I just don't feel complete.  I feel like a part of me is gone and it is the part of me that felt joy and contentment.  I know this is normal since Gabriella took a piece of my heart with her to heaven.  But it makes me sad to think I will never be complete again.  I will never be the "me" that I was before Gabriella passed away.  And this thought scares me because I am not quite sure I can ever find joy again.  

Each day I move forward with my day-to-day tasks feeling like I am just not completely present.  I only hear half of what people say to me because inside I am screaming in frustration.  How can everyone else move forward with their lives when this tragedy has happened to me?  Don't they know they should honor my grief by just putting their lives on hold?  How dare they move forward without me??!!  I am not ready yet for life to happen!  

I was thinking these thoughts last week and feeling very sorry for myself.  I really did not want to get up and out of bed.  It just seemed easier to watch reality tv shows and drink coffee in bed than see life move forward outside of my home.  But then my phone vibrated with a incoming text message.  It was from a friend who was messaging me about something that she saw that made her think of me.  Her text made me smile and brought me out of my dark place.  I felt like I was ready to get up and out of bed.  And not only that, I felt like I was finally ready to go exercise.  I had been dreading going to work out at the gym for multiple reasons; one being that I didn't want to see anyone, another being that I wasn't ready to put on exercise clothes since I had gained weight from the pregnancy, and the last reason being that I was really out of shape from being on bed rest for months.  As much as I loved running and working out, it scared me to start over.  

I started by walking around the track.  I started slowly since this was the first exercise I had done since being on bed rest, since having Gabriella, and fighting off the infection.  I wasn't quite sure my body could handle it yet.  So I put my I-pod on and just walked.  It felt good to finally be doing something active.  And then a song came on that literally spoke to me.  It was "Thrive" by Casting Crowns.  And the words made me feel so alive that I started running.  I only ran a few times around the track, but I felt empowered.  I felt like "me" again.  Not the "me" I was before Gabriella, but a new "me".  A stronger "me".  A "me" who doesn't want to just survive this tragedy.   A "me" who doesn't want the sadness to consume my life.  A "me" who wants to thrive.  I started crying because I want to live the life that God has planned for me with purpose.  Obviously I was not made for an ordinary life, and I am ready to embrace that reality.  I don't want to lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself and my situation.

I have continued running since my first "run" last week.  Each day I feel a little bit stronger and a little bit closer to God.  I know there will continue to be dark days in the future.  And I know that I probably won't ever feel complete again.  But with God's help, I know I will find joy and contentment again.  I'm not sure when that will happen, but I do know I am heading in the right direction.

 

Anger

It's amazing how many emotions occur while grieving.  I have good, even great, days.  And I have bad-dark-knock me to my knees days.  One little thought can hit me so hard that I'm thrown into the deep, dark hole that I so desperately try to stay out of.  It really is an emotional roller coaster that I am on right now.  But the feeling that frustrates me the most is the anger.  I am angry.  Every day I feel anger towards what should have been.

I am angry that this is our new normal.  That we are "that" family.  The family that lost a loved one too soon.  The family that some people try to avoid because they don't know what to say.  The family that is grieving in pain every second of every day while it appears everyone else is enjoying and moving on with their lives.  It makes me so mad.

I am angry when I see a healthy pregnant woman or a newborn baby.  It doesn't seem fair.  It hurts my heart in such a physical way to see someone else experience what we should have had right now.  I am jealous and it is ugly.  I am angry that we will never experience pregnancy again because the health concerns are too great for me and the precious life I would carry.  It makes me so mad that this wonderful and amazing thing has been taken away from us.  

I am angry that my two innocent boys have to feel the pain of losing their baby sister.  That they never held her or even saw her.  That they will never play with her, feed her, laugh with her, take care of her, or kiss her.  They would have been wonderful big brothers.  They really really wanted to be big brothers.  They were so excited when we told them we were pregnant.  It makes me so mad that this was taken away from them.  

I am angry that we will not get to experience Gabriella in this lifetime.  We will not get to dress her in fun girl clothes or do her hair in cute pigtails.  We will not get the chance to attend dance recitals or see her perform for us in some dramatic way.  Her brothers will not get to protect her from the boys she would date.  I will not get to go prom dress shopping with her or plan her wedding.  Brett will not get to walk his daughter down the aisle.  Everything that we thought of when we heard we were having a little girl will never occur.  This makes me so mad.

And when I look around our home I see things that remind me of what should have been.  I see the dinner table and the spot where a high chair would have sat.  I see the place where a car seat would have been in our van.  I imagine the nursery that I was planning in my mind: peaceful trees painted on the walls.  I see the spot in our bedroom where the bassinet would have been placed for easy middle of the night feedings.  I think of what it would have sounded like with a newborn baby in our home.  There would have been so much joy instead of pain.  It makes me so mad that all of the baby items are sitting in storage now instead of in our home.  I am mad that it was never meant to be.

But why am I so angry?  Why do I feel so much anger towards what should have been?  Because this was my plan.  This was what I wanted for our family.  We were supposed to be a family of five; we were supposed to have three kids.  Gabriella was supposed to be in our family in a physical sense.  This is what Brett and I wanted.  But it isn't what God wanted.  This was never God's plan.  He never meant to hurt us or cause us pain.  But He needed and wanted Gabriella in heaven.  I don't know why and I may never understand the reasons.  But it is very clear to me that my plans are not His plans.  And what I think is good for me and my family is not what God thinks is good.  God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". ~Jeremiah 29:11

It is comforting to know that God is in charge.  I don't need to worry about the future because God has it already planned out for us.  I trust Him.  He knows what He is doing.  So although I feel anger towards what should have been, I also feel peace in knowing that God is holding us all in the palm of His hand.  He will get us through this tough time.  And it will change all of us for the better.  We will live life to the fullest, we will love one another unconditionally, we will praise God.  This is our way to honor Gabriella.  We will live.  

   

Gabriella Grace

I have been dreading coming back to this site.  A week after I was last here my world fell apart.  On December 11, 2014, Gabriella Grace was born still weighing 1lb. 10oz.  She was, and will always be, beautiful.  She is our guardian angel.  We miss her so much.

I wish I could tell a different story.  I wish I was still pregnant.  I would have been starting my 30th week this week.  Oh, how I wish I was.  But that wasn't God's plan.  Instead, on December 11th I woke up feeling "off".  I didn't feel good.  And when I stood up I felt contractions...and that was the only thing I felt.  I couldn't feel my baby girl.  My baby girl who was constantly moving and who always favored the right side of my belly.  She would move so much that we could physically see her pop the right side of my belly out.  Oh, how I loved feeling her move.  Brett and I drove to Sioux Falls on the icy roads praying for a miracle but knowing the end result would not be good.  Once we arrived at the specialist's office, the nurse could not find a heartbeat on the doppler.  I knew she wouldn't.  The last time I had felt our baby girl move was the night before right before I drifted to sleep.  It had felt like she was repeatedly kicking me in my ribs.  Now I wonder if she was trying to warn me that something was wrong.  I wish I would have listened.  The ultrasound proved what we all knew....our baby girl's heartbeat had stopped.  She was gone.

The next couple of hours are a blur.  Here's what I do remember:
1. They rushed me to the Labor and Delivery floor.
2. I developed a fever hard and fast.  And I began to feel horribly sick.  The doctors believed I had an infection in my uterus which caused her heart to stop.
3. Although my body was going into labor naturally, they wanted to hurry the process along since I was sick.  I was given an epidural and medicine to induce labor, I was also given antibiotics through an IV since I had an infection.
4.  Labor lasted 5 hours.

Our baby girl was born an angel at 5:20pm.  We named her Gabriella Grace because it means "God is my strength".  We also wanted her to be named after the Christmas Angel Gabriel who comes to Mary when she is 6 months pregnant.  I was exactly 6 months pregnant when Gabriella was born.  We were able to hold her and keep her in our room that evening.

We cried, we hugged, we prayed.  And believe it or not, we did laugh too.  We felt relief that she was, and is, safe in Jesus' arms.  She felt no pain in this world.  She only felt the love and care we gave her while she grew in my tummy.  Selfishly, we miss her.  We miss what she should have been in our family...our daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend. Why God needed her in heaven this soon, we may never know.  But we do know she has a purpose in our lives, even while in heaven.  The title of my blog was named because I knew every second counted while being home on bed rest...it was one second closer to viability and a healthy baby.  Now I know differently...Every Second Counts in life.  We don't know what tomorrow may bring.  So love one another today.  Hug, laugh, live...show your loved ones how much they mean to you.  Because tomorrow it could be too late.