I am angry that this is our new normal. That we are "that" family. The family that lost a loved one too soon. The family that some people try to avoid because they don't know what to say. The family that is grieving in pain every second of every day while it appears everyone else is enjoying and moving on with their lives. It makes me so mad.
I am angry when I see a healthy pregnant woman or a newborn baby. It doesn't seem fair. It hurts my heart in such a physical way to see someone else experience what we should have had right now. I am jealous and it is ugly. I am angry that we will never experience pregnancy again because the health concerns are too great for me and the precious life I would carry. It makes me so mad that this wonderful and amazing thing has been taken away from us.
I am angry that my two innocent boys have to feel the pain of losing their baby sister. That they never held her or even saw her. That they will never play with her, feed her, laugh with her, take care of her, or kiss her. They would have been wonderful big brothers. They really really wanted to be big brothers. They were so excited when we told them we were pregnant. It makes me so mad that this was taken away from them.
I am angry that we will not get to experience Gabriella in this lifetime. We will not get to dress her in fun girl clothes or do her hair in cute pigtails. We will not get the chance to attend dance recitals or see her perform for us in some dramatic way. Her brothers will not get to protect her from the boys she would date. I will not get to go prom dress shopping with her or plan her wedding. Brett will not get to walk his daughter down the aisle. Everything that we thought of when we heard we were having a little girl will never occur. This makes me so mad.
And when I look around our home I see things that remind me of what should have been. I see the dinner table and the spot where a high chair would have sat. I see the place where a car seat would have been in our van. I imagine the nursery that I was planning in my mind: peaceful trees painted on the walls. I see the spot in our bedroom where the bassinet would have been placed for easy middle of the night feedings. I think of what it would have sounded like with a newborn baby in our home. There would have been so much joy instead of pain. It makes me so mad that all of the baby items are sitting in storage now instead of in our home. I am mad that it was never meant to be.
But why am I so angry? Why do I feel so much anger towards what should have been? Because this was my plan. This was what I wanted for our family. We were supposed to be a family of five; we were supposed to have three kids. Gabriella was supposed to be in our family in a physical sense. This is what Brett and I wanted. But it isn't what God wanted. This was never God's plan. He never meant to hurt us or cause us pain. But He needed and wanted Gabriella in heaven. I don't know why and I may never understand the reasons. But it is very clear to me that my plans are not His plans. And what I think is good for me and my family is not what God thinks is good. God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". ~Jeremiah 29:11
It is comforting to know that God is in charge. I don't need to worry about the future because God has it already planned out for us. I trust Him. He knows what He is doing. So although I feel anger towards what should have been, I also feel peace in knowing that God is holding us all in the palm of His hand. He will get us through this tough time. And it will change all of us for the better. We will live life to the fullest, we will love one another unconditionally, we will praise God. This is our way to honor Gabriella. We will live.
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