Today on Good Friday, Gabriella's due date, I thought a lot about death. I thought about it all day as I thought of Gabriella and how she should be here in my arms. I heard about it at church tonight as we remembered Jesus' crucifixion on the cross. And with these thoughts of death came feelings of despair, darkness, and loneliness. It was a sad day for me. A depressing day. On days like today it is hard to find hope.
On my last blog post I had a lot of questions for God. I wondered why He allowed this to happen and why it had to happen to me. I was hurt that He didn't answer my prayers. Yesterday, on Maundy Thursday, we remembered the story of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was feeling overwhelmed with what was to come and prayed to God. He fell to the ground in despair and prayed.
“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)
Jesus prayed this to God three different times and yet God did not answer him. Jesus, God's own son, did not get his prayers answered. God did not change His mind even though He knew His son would be hurt and that other people would feel pain when Jesus died. God knew what needed to happen in order to save all sinners. And He sacrificed His own son in order for that to happen. This is amazing. When I was on my knees asking God to protect Gabriella and to keep her safe, He didn't answer me. It was not His will. He doesn't want us to be sad or to feel pain, but He can use these painful circumstances to His glory. I'm not sure why God needed Gabriella in heaven, but I trust that there is goodness that will come from the pain. God's plan is too big to understand, but some day it will all make sense.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
(Proverbs 3:5-6)
During Good Friday service tonight at church I couldn't stop thinking about Mary and the pain she felt from seeing her son die. She stood in the crowd and watched Jesus until he took his last breath. I cannot understand how horrible this would be to witness. But I can understand a portion of Mary's grief for losing her child. I understand the sadness she felt at thinking it would be the last time she felt him, saw him, heard him. I understand the feeling of losing a part of your soul and not knowing how to survive without it. I understand how alone she had to feel. But even then, while on the cross dying, Jesus made sure his mother would not be alone.
When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.
(John 19:26-27)
Jesus asked John to care for his mother after he died. He knew she would need the love and support when she was consumed with grief. I, too, feel like God has placed important people in my life to help me while I grieve. It's amazing how a phone call, a text message, a letter, a card, etc. can brighten my darkest days. And I truly feel that God places these people in my life at exactly the right time. God doesn't want me to be alone in my grief. So, thank you to everyone who helps me get through each day with your love and support.
Mary had the support from friends and family, yet it had to be hard for her to find hope after Jesus died. I'm sure there were feelings of anger, guilt, and sadness that consumed her thoughts. And now looking back at the Easter story, we know that Mary doesn't have to wait long to find hope. In just three days Jesus returns from the dead! Oh, the joy and happiness Mary had to feel at seeing her son again. What a miraculous event! And because of Jesus' selfless act of dying on the cross for our sins, I will someday be able to see my sweet Gabriella in heaven. What joy that day will bring...
I don't know how long it will be for me to find the hope in this pain. Right now everything still feels so dark, sad, and overwhelming. I just recently found a connection with my grief and the fire damage from Wednesday's grass fires. As a family tonight, we drove to the land that was burnt and sat and stared at the acres of dark ground. The ground was black, it smelled, and it was ugly to see. It's hard to imagine that anything good could survive from something that horrible. But something good will come from the ashes. The fire will help manage the weeds, it will reduce the risk of future wildfires, it will help restore nutrients in the grasses which ultimately will help the plant growth for the future. This is amazing to me! In a month or so, that area will not be black, smelly, or ugly. It will be the exact opposite. There will be new beautiful growth for all to see! I can only hope for that transformation in my life too. I can hope that there will be light in the future instead of the darkness I feel now. That there will be happiness instead of the sadness. And that I will feel trust that God is directing my life in the way He feels is best instead of feeling overwhelmed with life's struggles. That is my hope this Easter weekend. That from the dark ashes of this grief will come new life that will grow stronger and more faithful as each day passes.
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