Thrive

These past two weeks have been rough for me.  It seems like life is moving forward for everyone else, yet I am still stuck in a dark place.  I just don't feel complete.  I feel like a part of me is gone and it is the part of me that felt joy and contentment.  I know this is normal since Gabriella took a piece of my heart with her to heaven.  But it makes me sad to think I will never be complete again.  I will never be the "me" that I was before Gabriella passed away.  And this thought scares me because I am not quite sure I can ever find joy again.  

Each day I move forward with my day-to-day tasks feeling like I am just not completely present.  I only hear half of what people say to me because inside I am screaming in frustration.  How can everyone else move forward with their lives when this tragedy has happened to me?  Don't they know they should honor my grief by just putting their lives on hold?  How dare they move forward without me??!!  I am not ready yet for life to happen!  

I was thinking these thoughts last week and feeling very sorry for myself.  I really did not want to get up and out of bed.  It just seemed easier to watch reality tv shows and drink coffee in bed than see life move forward outside of my home.  But then my phone vibrated with a incoming text message.  It was from a friend who was messaging me about something that she saw that made her think of me.  Her text made me smile and brought me out of my dark place.  I felt like I was ready to get up and out of bed.  And not only that, I felt like I was finally ready to go exercise.  I had been dreading going to work out at the gym for multiple reasons; one being that I didn't want to see anyone, another being that I wasn't ready to put on exercise clothes since I had gained weight from the pregnancy, and the last reason being that I was really out of shape from being on bed rest for months.  As much as I loved running and working out, it scared me to start over.  

I started by walking around the track.  I started slowly since this was the first exercise I had done since being on bed rest, since having Gabriella, and fighting off the infection.  I wasn't quite sure my body could handle it yet.  So I put my I-pod on and just walked.  It felt good to finally be doing something active.  And then a song came on that literally spoke to me.  It was "Thrive" by Casting Crowns.  And the words made me feel so alive that I started running.  I only ran a few times around the track, but I felt empowered.  I felt like "me" again.  Not the "me" I was before Gabriella, but a new "me".  A stronger "me".  A "me" who doesn't want to just survive this tragedy.   A "me" who doesn't want the sadness to consume my life.  A "me" who wants to thrive.  I started crying because I want to live the life that God has planned for me with purpose.  Obviously I was not made for an ordinary life, and I am ready to embrace that reality.  I don't want to lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself and my situation.

I have continued running since my first "run" last week.  Each day I feel a little bit stronger and a little bit closer to God.  I know there will continue to be dark days in the future.  And I know that I probably won't ever feel complete again.  But with God's help, I know I will find joy and contentment again.  I'm not sure when that will happen, but I do know I am heading in the right direction.