Questions

This has been a rough month.  And now it's the beginning of an even harder week.  The week of Gabriella's due date.  This is the week that I anticipated from the moment I found out I was pregnant.  April 3rd was always the finish line; the time we would receive our precious gift. I had thought it was so wonderful that her due date was on Good Friday and over the Easter weekend.  What an amazing time to celebrate new life!  But now things are different and I feel so upset that instead of celebrating new life we are grieving all that is lost.  April 3rd is going to be a very difficult day for me.  And as I sit here thinking about all that should've been, I have questions that I so desperately need answered...    

Why me?  Why did this tragedy have to happen to me and my family?  Why was Gabriella taken away from us?  I just don't understand why God allowed this to happen.  Especially when I know He had the power to change the outcome.  Why didn't He?  After my water broke, I prayed desperately to God asking Him to keep my daughter safe.  I asked for health and healing, and also for more time so our little baby would be able to survive outside of my tummy.  But my prayers weren't answered.  Why?  Why wasn't God listening to me?  Why didn't He want to help me?

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me.  Am I not a "good enough" person and that's why God didn't hear my prayers?  Maybe I didn't do enough or maybe I wasn't asking in the right way.  I don't know.  But I have felt a lot of guilt and have wondered "if only" I would've done things differently, maybe Gabriella would be here now with me.

If only...I had felt content with two children rather than feeling such a strong desire to have another baby.  If only...I hadn't continued to run 2 miles every other day while pregnant with Gabriella.  If only...I had requested more tests when I started bleeding the doctors would have found the infection before my water broke.  If only...I had demanded to stay in the hospital instead of coming home to be on bed rest.  If only...I had been given antibiotics right away.  If only...

If any of these things had changed, would the outcome have been different?  Would Gabriella be here today instead of in heaven?  I don't know.  And it is so frustrating for me that I don't know why this happened or if I could have done something differently to keep Gabriella safe.  And as I sit here and think about all of these questions, I realize that maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong way...maybe instead of asking "why" and "if only", I should be asking "what now".

What now God?  My life has been torn apart.  I feel broken and lonely.  What now?  What is your plan for me?  I know that all of this happened for a reason, so what is it that I need to do to fulfill Your purpose?  I realize that when I feel so desperate to know all of the answers, this is my way to gain control over my life.  But that is wrong.  I'm not in control, and for that I am grateful.  Please Lord, show me the way.  Guide me towards the light.