Choices

Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate conflict.  In situations where my "fight or flight" instincts kick in, I usually fly away.  When I have an argument with a family member or friend, I usually just leave and walk away from the person.  I think this is partly because I need time to think things through before I react in a way that I would regret later.  But I think the main reason I run away from conflict is because I really hate not feeling in control.  I like things neat, orderly, predictable, and happy.  And when life isn't going that way, I struggle.  Obviously my life lately has been anything but neat, orderly, predictable, or happy.  And I am struggling.  Some days I struggle a lot.  I have been in many situations where all I want to do is run away from the pain.  To the comfort of my bed...away from people...where I can be alone with my thoughts.  

When a good friend told me she was pregnant, two weeks after Gabriella passed away, I ran away.  I ran to my bed and I stayed there for days.  I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep.  All I did was cry.  Life felt cruel. I struggled to even take care of my boys.  I remember one morning Kaleb asked me if they could eat breakfast.  It was almost 10:30 in the morning and I was still in bed ignoring life around me.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit how poorly I was taking care of myself and my kids at that time.  The choice was mine, and I had chosen to run away.

When I volunteered in Kaleb's classroom a month after Gabriella was gone, a little girl came up to me and asked me where my baby was.  She saw I didn't have a pregnant belly anymore and wanted to know if I had my baby.  When I told her no, she wanted to know what happened.  My heart felt like it was breaking in bits.  I couldn't breathe.  I wanted to run out of the classroom and go back home where it was safe.  But I stayed.  I told the little girl to get ready for school and to not worry about my baby at that moment.  I'm proud of myself in that situation.  I chose to stay even when I felt panicked.

These two situations show that every day, in every moment, I have a choice.  I can run away from the pain and feel angry at God for giving me this life to live.  And trust me, there have been moments and times when I have...

*I have blocked "friends" on Facebook because I cannot handle to see their posts about being pregnant.

*I have asked my pastor to tell me when there is a baptism in church because I know I'm not strong enough to watch it and will just stay home.  

*I leave situations where there are brand new babies around me.  Especially if these babies were born when Gabriella was or should have been.

*I have sold our baby toys, car seats, and baby bedding because I couldn't handle seeing it in our home and knowing that they wouldn't get used.

I pray that I won't always feel the need to run away in these situations.  I hope that as my pain lessens, I will be able to stay in these situations that force me to remember my baby girl and all that wasn't meant to be.

In time I know I will accept this life and trust that God gave it to me for a reason.  Running away from the pain won't bring Gabriella back to me.  Being angry at God won't take away my sadness.  I was having a bad night not too long ago and feeling sorry for myself.  I was talking to Gabriella in my mind and telling her I wasn't strong enough to live this life without her.  I was crying and feeling hopeless.  I closed my eyes and instantly saw a white cross in the blackness of my vision.  It was amazing.  I knew at that moment Gabriella was telling me I didn't have to worry about being strong enough, because God is my strength.  And the only way I will get through this pain is by having complete trust in Him.  When I feel like running away because my grief hurts too much, I know that all I need to say is "God I need you, help me".  

No, my life isn't neat, orderly, or predictable right now.  And some days I don't feel very happy.  But I am so grateful that I don't have to be in charge.  I don't have to worry about what comes next.  God has that part of my life covered.  He has things under control and everything is happening exactly as He wants it.  All I need to do is trust Him, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride.  The choice is all mine, and I choose my faith.