Living in the Now

I woke up this morning and had to remind myself that Gabriella was gone.  I had to feel my stomach to realize that I didn't have a baby bump anymore.  I had to relive all that happened 8 weeks ago today.  Because this morning before I opened my eyes, when I was in that in-between state of dreaming and reality, I felt like everything that happened was a dream.  I felt like Gabriella was happy and healthy rolling around in my tummy and we were busy planning for the day she would arrive in our lives.  But then I opened my eyes and realized I was wrong.  Gabriella was gone.  And the cruel reality of our lives hit me like a punch in the stomach.

Lately I have had a hard time letting go of the past.  I relive every step of my pregnancy with Gabriella.  The day we found out we were pregnant, the day we told the boys they would be big brothers, the day I started showing a baby belly, the day we found out we were having a little girl...but along with those happy memories, I'm also reliving the scary moments in the pregnancy.  The day I started bleeding, the day I had an emergency trip to Sioux Falls in an ambulance, the day my water broke, the days I stayed in the hospital, the day Gabriella's heart stopped beating...these memories are bringing me to my knees in pain and heartache.  And it just feels like I cannot let go of the past.  What could I have done differently?  Should I have noticed warning signs before it was too late?  Oh how I wish I would have appreciated the pregnancy more in the early months before the complications started.  The coulda, shoulda, woulda feelings are driving me crazy!

And then I think of my boys.  Kaleb just turned 8 years old last month and Kollin is 5 years old.  How are they that old already?!  Where did the time go?  I look through old pictures of them as babies and I relive all of their milestones.  And I start feeling panic.  Did I appreciate the baby stage for all that it was?  I'm not sure.  I was so sleep-deprived and moving on autopilot each day that I worry I missed a lot of important moments.  Oh how I wish I could turn back time and hold them a little bit longer in the middle of the night.  And kiss their sweet little baby cheeks.  And remember their baby giggles.  Because that time is over.  We will never get it back.  We may never experience that baby time again in our lives.  And the boys are getting older and more independent each day.  Soon we will be sending them off to college to begin their adult lives.  It will come quicker than I can even imagine.  Because isn't that the piece of advice every mom gives to a new mom, "Enjoy this stage because they grow up way too fast".  I never realized how true that statement was until recently.

Living in the past is draining.  I can sit and think all day long about the time I will never get back.  And some days I do.  And some days it hurts because I wish I could re-do some of the special moments that happened.  But by reliving the past I am missing out on what is right in front of my eyes.  Yes, my boys are 8 and 5 years old.  And yes, they are growing older every minute.  But there is still a lot of time left to cherish.  I want to live in the "now" and enjoy every moment.  The future is scary and unknown.  Who knows where this road will take us?  We don't know, but God knows.  And God will be there with us every step of the way.  God was there with us in the past throughout every joy and tragedy.  And He remembers it all.  And God is with us right now.  He will never leave us.  Whatever life throws at us, God is by our side.  Oh, what comfort that brings.