It's so difficult to explain this fog that is around me. It's there with me when I wake up in the morning and it sticks around all day until I go to bed at night. It fills my ears with white noise and it takes away my taste buds. It clouds my vision so I have a difficulty seeing bright colors. It sits on my chest and makes it difficult to breathe. It brings tears to my eyes at the most awkward of times. And worst of all, it fills my mind with cloudy thoughts making it difficult for me to focus. This fog, my grief, has taken "me" away.
I hate that this fog has taken over my body. I hate that the fog controls me. I hate that it takes away the enjoyment in things I used to love. I used to love coffee, but now it tastes bitter and leaves me feeling jittery. I used to love to read, but now I cannot focus on the words to understand what the story is about. I used to love to watch reality tv shows, but now the characters seem so silly and superficial. I used to love to talk with friends, but now my mind is so cloudy it's hard for me to focus on what they are saying. I try so hard to push the fog away, to get back to living my life. But it's a struggle and as hard as I push the fog away, it pushes right back harder at me.
And there are some days where the fog pushes so hard that it suffocates me. These are the days that the fog controls my mind and clouds my thoughts with the "what should've beens". The days when I think I should be sitting at home holding Gabriella; nursing her, hugging her, kissing her. The days I see pregnant women with big swollen bellies and faces filled with anticipation and joy, and I feel such strong jealousy. The days when another birth announcement shows up on Facebook, and I think that should've been us. That's when the fog suffocates me so hard that I fall to my knees in pain. And I cry for what was taken away.
But when I'm down on my knees in pain, I know it's the perfect time to pray to God. I ask God to clear my mind and open my heart to what He wants me to see. To do what He wants me to do. To feel what He wants me to feel. And the fog lifts a little bit. Enough for me to feel like I can breathe again. And I thank God because I know the fog would take over my body and life if it wasn't for Him.
And as crazy as it sounds, I really think God wants me to see this fog and truly experience it. He doesn't want me to run from my grief in fear and denial. Instead He wants me to feel the heartache, to see the jealousy, to cry the tears, and to scream out to Him in frustration. Because then, and only then when I have hit rock bottom, can God build me back up again. And I can feel that He is working on me right now. Piece by piece, He is creating a new "me". Not the "me" I was before Gabriella. A better "me".
I'm not sure when this fog will go away, but I do know that God will never leave me. And it comforts me to know that eventually this new "me" will shine so brightly from the love God built within my soul that the fog will have no choice but to leave.
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