Thrive

These past two weeks have been rough for me.  It seems like life is moving forward for everyone else, yet I am still stuck in a dark place.  I just don't feel complete.  I feel like a part of me is gone and it is the part of me that felt joy and contentment.  I know this is normal since Gabriella took a piece of my heart with her to heaven.  But it makes me sad to think I will never be complete again.  I will never be the "me" that I was before Gabriella passed away.  And this thought scares me because I am not quite sure I can ever find joy again.  

Each day I move forward with my day-to-day tasks feeling like I am just not completely present.  I only hear half of what people say to me because inside I am screaming in frustration.  How can everyone else move forward with their lives when this tragedy has happened to me?  Don't they know they should honor my grief by just putting their lives on hold?  How dare they move forward without me??!!  I am not ready yet for life to happen!  

I was thinking these thoughts last week and feeling very sorry for myself.  I really did not want to get up and out of bed.  It just seemed easier to watch reality tv shows and drink coffee in bed than see life move forward outside of my home.  But then my phone vibrated with a incoming text message.  It was from a friend who was messaging me about something that she saw that made her think of me.  Her text made me smile and brought me out of my dark place.  I felt like I was ready to get up and out of bed.  And not only that, I felt like I was finally ready to go exercise.  I had been dreading going to work out at the gym for multiple reasons; one being that I didn't want to see anyone, another being that I wasn't ready to put on exercise clothes since I had gained weight from the pregnancy, and the last reason being that I was really out of shape from being on bed rest for months.  As much as I loved running and working out, it scared me to start over.  

I started by walking around the track.  I started slowly since this was the first exercise I had done since being on bed rest, since having Gabriella, and fighting off the infection.  I wasn't quite sure my body could handle it yet.  So I put my I-pod on and just walked.  It felt good to finally be doing something active.  And then a song came on that literally spoke to me.  It was "Thrive" by Casting Crowns.  And the words made me feel so alive that I started running.  I only ran a few times around the track, but I felt empowered.  I felt like "me" again.  Not the "me" I was before Gabriella, but a new "me".  A stronger "me".  A "me" who doesn't want to just survive this tragedy.   A "me" who doesn't want the sadness to consume my life.  A "me" who wants to thrive.  I started crying because I want to live the life that God has planned for me with purpose.  Obviously I was not made for an ordinary life, and I am ready to embrace that reality.  I don't want to lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself and my situation.

I have continued running since my first "run" last week.  Each day I feel a little bit stronger and a little bit closer to God.  I know there will continue to be dark days in the future.  And I know that I probably won't ever feel complete again.  But with God's help, I know I will find joy and contentment again.  I'm not sure when that will happen, but I do know I am heading in the right direction.

 

Anger

It's amazing how many emotions occur while grieving.  I have good, even great, days.  And I have bad-dark-knock me to my knees days.  One little thought can hit me so hard that I'm thrown into the deep, dark hole that I so desperately try to stay out of.  It really is an emotional roller coaster that I am on right now.  But the feeling that frustrates me the most is the anger.  I am angry.  Every day I feel anger towards what should have been.

I am angry that this is our new normal.  That we are "that" family.  The family that lost a loved one too soon.  The family that some people try to avoid because they don't know what to say.  The family that is grieving in pain every second of every day while it appears everyone else is enjoying and moving on with their lives.  It makes me so mad.

I am angry when I see a healthy pregnant woman or a newborn baby.  It doesn't seem fair.  It hurts my heart in such a physical way to see someone else experience what we should have had right now.  I am jealous and it is ugly.  I am angry that we will never experience pregnancy again because the health concerns are too great for me and the precious life I would carry.  It makes me so mad that this wonderful and amazing thing has been taken away from us.  

I am angry that my two innocent boys have to feel the pain of losing their baby sister.  That they never held her or even saw her.  That they will never play with her, feed her, laugh with her, take care of her, or kiss her.  They would have been wonderful big brothers.  They really really wanted to be big brothers.  They were so excited when we told them we were pregnant.  It makes me so mad that this was taken away from them.  

I am angry that we will not get to experience Gabriella in this lifetime.  We will not get to dress her in fun girl clothes or do her hair in cute pigtails.  We will not get the chance to attend dance recitals or see her perform for us in some dramatic way.  Her brothers will not get to protect her from the boys she would date.  I will not get to go prom dress shopping with her or plan her wedding.  Brett will not get to walk his daughter down the aisle.  Everything that we thought of when we heard we were having a little girl will never occur.  This makes me so mad.

And when I look around our home I see things that remind me of what should have been.  I see the dinner table and the spot where a high chair would have sat.  I see the place where a car seat would have been in our van.  I imagine the nursery that I was planning in my mind: peaceful trees painted on the walls.  I see the spot in our bedroom where the bassinet would have been placed for easy middle of the night feedings.  I think of what it would have sounded like with a newborn baby in our home.  There would have been so much joy instead of pain.  It makes me so mad that all of the baby items are sitting in storage now instead of in our home.  I am mad that it was never meant to be.

But why am I so angry?  Why do I feel so much anger towards what should have been?  Because this was my plan.  This was what I wanted for our family.  We were supposed to be a family of five; we were supposed to have three kids.  Gabriella was supposed to be in our family in a physical sense.  This is what Brett and I wanted.  But it isn't what God wanted.  This was never God's plan.  He never meant to hurt us or cause us pain.  But He needed and wanted Gabriella in heaven.  I don't know why and I may never understand the reasons.  But it is very clear to me that my plans are not His plans.  And what I think is good for me and my family is not what God thinks is good.  God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". ~Jeremiah 29:11

It is comforting to know that God is in charge.  I don't need to worry about the future because God has it already planned out for us.  I trust Him.  He knows what He is doing.  So although I feel anger towards what should have been, I also feel peace in knowing that God is holding us all in the palm of His hand.  He will get us through this tough time.  And it will change all of us for the better.  We will live life to the fullest, we will love one another unconditionally, we will praise God.  This is our way to honor Gabriella.  We will live.  

   

Gabriella Grace

I have been dreading coming back to this site.  A week after I was last here my world fell apart.  On December 11, 2014, Gabriella Grace was born still weighing 1lb. 10oz.  She was, and will always be, beautiful.  She is our guardian angel.  We miss her so much.

I wish I could tell a different story.  I wish I was still pregnant.  I would have been starting my 30th week this week.  Oh, how I wish I was.  But that wasn't God's plan.  Instead, on December 11th I woke up feeling "off".  I didn't feel good.  And when I stood up I felt contractions...and that was the only thing I felt.  I couldn't feel my baby girl.  My baby girl who was constantly moving and who always favored the right side of my belly.  She would move so much that we could physically see her pop the right side of my belly out.  Oh, how I loved feeling her move.  Brett and I drove to Sioux Falls on the icy roads praying for a miracle but knowing the end result would not be good.  Once we arrived at the specialist's office, the nurse could not find a heartbeat on the doppler.  I knew she wouldn't.  The last time I had felt our baby girl move was the night before right before I drifted to sleep.  It had felt like she was repeatedly kicking me in my ribs.  Now I wonder if she was trying to warn me that something was wrong.  I wish I would have listened.  The ultrasound proved what we all knew....our baby girl's heartbeat had stopped.  She was gone.

The next couple of hours are a blur.  Here's what I do remember:
1. They rushed me to the Labor and Delivery floor.
2. I developed a fever hard and fast.  And I began to feel horribly sick.  The doctors believed I had an infection in my uterus which caused her heart to stop.
3. Although my body was going into labor naturally, they wanted to hurry the process along since I was sick.  I was given an epidural and medicine to induce labor, I was also given antibiotics through an IV since I had an infection.
4.  Labor lasted 5 hours.

Our baby girl was born an angel at 5:20pm.  We named her Gabriella Grace because it means "God is my strength".  We also wanted her to be named after the Christmas Angel Gabriel who comes to Mary when she is 6 months pregnant.  I was exactly 6 months pregnant when Gabriella was born.  We were able to hold her and keep her in our room that evening.

We cried, we hugged, we prayed.  And believe it or not, we did laugh too.  We felt relief that she was, and is, safe in Jesus' arms.  She felt no pain in this world.  She only felt the love and care we gave her while she grew in my tummy.  Selfishly, we miss her.  We miss what she should have been in our family...our daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend. Why God needed her in heaven this soon, we may never know.  But we do know she has a purpose in our lives, even while in heaven.  The title of my blog was named because I knew every second counted while being home on bed rest...it was one second closer to viability and a healthy baby.  Now I know differently...Every Second Counts in life.  We don't know what tomorrow may bring.  So love one another today.  Hug, laugh, live...show your loved ones how much they mean to you.  Because tomorrow it could be too late.