Memory

Capture Your Grief 2015

Day #7: Memory

Today's topic hits me hard.  Memories.  This has been a difficult month for me because the memories of last year are coming at me in every direction.  Today is the day when I was rushed to Sioux Falls by ambulance due to bleeding and a confusing ultrasound.  I remember the fear, the panic, the hopelessness as I waited for the specialist in my hospital room in Sioux Falls.  And then I remember the relief, the joy, the happiness after he told me everything was fine with my body and my baby.  That I just needed to be "careful" since I had a weak spot on my uterus.  But everything was going to be okay.

I remember going back to Sioux Falls two weeks later for another ultrasound with the specialist.  When they asked if we wanted to know the gender, we didn't hesitate.  "Yes!"  Even though we did not find out the gender of our boys before they were delivered.  But I felt differently this time.  I wanted to bond with my baby this time because we had gone through so much already and I wanted to be able to talk to him or her in a more personal manner.  When the ultrasound technician told us we were having a little girl, I started crying.  Brett and I were both shocked and excited for this new adventure of having a girl in our family.  We stopped at a store on our way home to buy a little girl onesie as a way to tell the boys they were going to have a little sister.  

I remember how happy we all were.  How we felt grateful that although we had gone through a big scare, everything was going to be okay.  I remember feeling at peace.  Everything felt good.  But little did we know, those feelings would not last.

Looking back at these memories, I feel angry at God.  If He was always going to take Gabriella away from us, why didn't He do it the day I started bleeding?  Why did He allow us to feel relief that everything was going to be okay, when in fact it was not?  Why did He allow us to plan, hope, and feel excited for our future with our baby girl when we were never going to experience it?  Why put us through the emotional roller coaster for two months?  Why not just take her from us before we started imagining her in our arms and our lives?  

I don't know why God chose to take her when He did, but I am grateful for the time He gave me with her.  I'm grateful that I was given the chance to find out she was a girl.  To feel her move in my belly, to talk with her and bond with her.  Because if she had died the day I started bleeding, I would never have been able to see her or hold her.  And now, instead of anticipating a life together here, I can look forward to a life together forever in heaven.  I imagine holding her in my arms again some day...but this time she will open her eyes.  This time, she will smile and laugh.  This time, she will be alive.  And it will be good...it will be amazing...it will be perfect.  

     

Books

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #6: Books

Soon after Gabriella passed away, I was given this book by a friend who had also experienced infant loss.  My friend found a lot of comfort from this book after her son died and wanted to share it with me.  The first time I read it, I couldn't see the words because I was crying so hard.  The message was wonderful and really felt like Gabriella was speaking to me in the words.  Many times, Kaleb asked me to read it to him.  We would sit close together and read, often stopping between pages to share our visions of heaven.  I think it brought us both comfort.  We know Gabriella is in heaven and we know that heaven is an amazing place.  And this book helped us to imagine Gabriella laughing and celebrating with Jesus.  Oh, what a wonderful day it will be when we are reunited in heaven with her!  

Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears in Heaven

by Linda DeyMaz

Mommy, please don't cry...a beautiful angel carried me here!  I met Jesus today, Mommy!  He cradled me in his big, strong arms.  He made me feel so happy inside.

Mommy, please don't cry...heaven is wonderful!  Did you know the streets are made of gold?  Real gold!  I have lots of friends, Mommy.  We run and play, we giggle and laugh.  I can't wait to show you my secret hideouts!

Mommy, please don't cry...when I fall it doesn't hurt!  There are no tears in heaven!  I've met a man named Noah.  He told me about his big boat, all the animals, and the very first rainbow.  Have you heard of Noah, Mommy? 

Mommy, please don't cry...we have lots of parties here.  With streamers and hats, and the best chocolate cake ever!  When it's time to rest angels tuck us in.  I never get scared Mommy, there is no darkness here!  Jesus is the light of heaven.  

Mommy, please don't cry...the angels are always singing.  I love to sing with the angels!  You'd be proud of me, I have a pretty good voice.  I must have gotten it from you.  There is a river, Mommy.  In the most beautiful garden you could ever imagine...and a huge tree with yummy fruit.  The angels call it the tree of life.  Mommy, it's so wonderful to be alive in heaven!  

Mommy, please don't cry...sometimes I just like to be by myself.  That's when I think of you.  Someday, Mommy we will hold each other tight.  Then you will cradle me in your arms and stroke my hair...and once again, our hearts will beat together.  

Mommy, please don't cry...I'll wait right here for you.  

Empathy

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #5: Empathy

My picture today shows our dog Addison.  Addie has been with us since the beginning.  We picked her up as a puppy the month after we were married.  In the last ten years Addie has seen a lot of ups and downs in our family.  I feel very strongly that animals sense our emotions.  They can feel when there is a change of energy in the home.  And they react accordingly to best serve their masters.  

When I was pregnant with Kaleb, Addie would lay her head on my stomach.  It felt as though she was protecting the new life inside of me.  And when I went into labor with him, she paced right next to me though every contraction.  Now, when the boys are outside playing alone in the backyard, Addie stays close by them.  Again, it feels like she is trying to protect them while we are away.  She is always near letting us know she cares about us.  

Last year when I was on bed rest, Addie stayed in my room next to the bed.  The kids were at school and Brett was at work.  So it felt like she was the one "in charge" of me.  She watched my every move and stayed near.  The day before we lost Gabriella, I remember that instead of lying on the floor, Addie jumped up on the bed and slept on my legs.  And when I tried to move, she looked at me like I needed to just stay still.  I often wonder, did she sense something?  Could she feel Gabriella losing strength?  Did she know I would need that comfort and support?  Whatever the reason, Addie knew I needed her to be near me at that time, and so she didn't leave me.

That type of empathy is hard to find.  That drop-everything, unselfish, love-you-no-matter-what, kind of empathy is amazing.  And sometimes it comes from the most unlikely source at the most important time.  Addie was my support and comfort when I needed her the most.  And it is my hope that I can learn to be more empathetic to others around me.  And feel when someone needs support and do my best to bring them peace and comfort.  Because I know.  I know how lonely life can feel at the darkest times.  And all anyone really needs to feel better is a friend who lies by their side during the rough times and stays near until they feel better.  

  

Dark + Light

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #4: Dark + Light

After Gabriella passed away, I felt like I had unwillingly entered a black tunnel.  There was no turning back, the only way to go was forward.  In the beginning the darkness overtook me.  I felt sad every second of every day.  I felt hopeless and alone.  It was a scary path and I didn't know how I would ever find my way out.  All I knew was that I just had to keep moving forward.  To help me navigate the darkness, I prayed to God.  I asked for strength and for guidance.  Anything to help me along the way.  And eventually I began to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.  

I started writing about my feelings, and the light became a bit brighter.  I spent time with family and friends and learned to laugh again.  I read scriptures and found meaning from the Bible.  I looked at my boys and saw purpose and love.  And with all of this, the light became clearer and my path became a little bit easier.  

I still feel like I am trying to navigate my way out of this tunnel.  Some days are easier than others.  There are days where I feel like the light burns out and the path becomes so dark that I am forced to just stay still.  Those are my tough days.  And I think it's okay to have these tough days.  To stop and feel the feelings that take over my body.  To cry and scream and question.  Because there is a clarity that comes after these tough days.  An understanding of the path that I am on.  And with that understanding comes the light, and I am able to move forward once again.

Then Jesus spoke to them, saying "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." ~John 8:12

   

  

In Honor

Capture Your Grief 2015

Day #3: In Honor 

This is a picture of Kaleb's schoolwork that he brought home last week.  It makes my heart so happy to read that he listed having one brother and one sister.  Gabriella is always remembered and we know she is and always will be a member of our family.  But sometimes this is difficult because she is not physically seen in our family.  So how do we honor her presence?

~When strangers ask how many kids we have, we tell them two with us and one in heaven.  

~When we say our evening prayers as a family, we always include Gabriella's name in the blessing.

~When well-meaning individuals tell us that we need to try for a little girl since we already have two boys, we kindly let them know that we already do have a little girl in our family.

~We find ways to include her in our family photos.

~We remember...the pregnancy, the ultrasound pictures, the excitement...and we talk about it together as a family.  How it felt to have Gabriella join our family and how it felt when she left for heaven.  

We honor Gabriella every day by knowing that she lives within each of us.  It is because of her why we are more compassionate with one another.  Why we hug one another a little bit more.  And say "I love you" every day.  Because of Gabriella, we are grateful.  Because of Gabriella, we are better people.  And we will honor that for the rest of our lives.    

Intention

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #2: Intention

Intention:  (Definition) A thing intended.  An aim or a plan.  The healing process of a wound.

I love to exercise and I have always been an active person.  But lately I haven't been taking care of myself.  I run, but I don't enjoy it anymore.  I work out at the YMCA, but I dread seeing people there.  I try to go for walks and bike rides, but it just feels "hard".  I miss my excitement for exercise.  And since I haven't been enjoying it, I just don't do it.  

I think the reason why I have been struggling to exercise is because I've been angry at my body.  It failed me at the most important time of my life.  It couldn't take care of Gabriella.  And I am so mad that my body wasn't strong enough to fight off the infection and save her.  I feel like my body is to blame for this tragedy.  If only I had been healthier, stronger, better...maybe my baby girl would be here with me instead of in heaven.  

So lately I have been neglecting my body.  I don't exercise, I don't eat healthy, and I haven't been feeling good about myself and the way I look.  But enough is enough.  I know my precious baby girl was always meant for heaven.  There is nothing I could have done to keep her here with me.  And now I owe it to her to take better care of myself.  Because I have two little boys and a husband who need a healthy and happy mommy and wife.  I want to enjoy life to the fullest with them.  And to do that I need to be mentally and physically healthy.  

It is my intention to be healthy and to take care of my body in a better manner. 

I intend to find my love of exercise once again.  I intend to eat healthy meals and to drink plenty of water.  I intend to pray and to build my faith.  I intend to stop negative self-talk and to focus on the positives in my life.  I intend to love others with my whole heart and I intend to live life with no regrets.  

Sunrise

Capture Your Grief 2015
Day #1: Sunrise

I woke up early this morning to find the best place to view the sunrise.  Once I arrived at my spot, I sat and enjoyed the peace and quiet for a bit.  The sky was still dark and the world seemed to still be sleeping.  Then the sky began to glow in colors of yellows, pinks, and light blues as the new day was dawning.  It was beautiful.  I longed to sit there forever and soak it all in.  Soon, a fisherman pulled up next to me in a noisy pickup and began pulling his equipment out of the bed of his truck.  I glared at him and silently willed him to hurry up and move along so I could enjoy the sunrise again.  In just seconds my peaceful morning was becoming invaded by the hustle and bustle of life.  

I often feel this same way about my grief journey.  There are moments when I want to just sit and be alone to examine my feelings.  I want to talk to God without any distractions.  I want to cry behind closed doors and let out my frustrations.  And I often feel anger when someone distracts me from my quiet thoughts or my alone time.  I feel resentment because they can't possibly understand my grief.  With these feelings of anger and resentment, I find myself pulling away from family and friends to be alone.  And from this I have learned: being alone is one thing, and feeling lonely is quite another.  

This peaceful morning reminded me that alone time is wonderful for the soul.  It is a time to talk to God and to marvel in the beauty around us that He created.  It is a time to reconnect and to recharge.  But God created our world so that we may share our experiences with others.  It is important to be with others, to talk to one another, and to experience life's joys and tragedies together.  Because how lonely would life be if we didn't have anyone to share it (the good and the bad) with?  

This morning, instead of looking at the fisherman in disgust because he ruined my peaceful moment, I should have said "good morning".  I should have greeted him with a smile.  I should have been the supportive person that God created me to be.  Because just maybe, that fisherman was having a rough morning.  Just maybe he lost someone he loved too.  And maybe he needed that friendly smile to help start his day off right.  We don't know one another's journeys in life, but we do know that God created us to be a community.  He doesn't want us to feel lonely.