Giving Up

April was a very emotional month for me.  I really thought that once Gabriella's due date had passed I would feel better and be ready to move on.  I was wrong.  It was so much harder than I realized.  After Gabriella's due date I began mourning the baby I never received rather than the pregnancy that ended too soon.  I felt sadness and anger, just like I did before Gabriella's due date, but in a more intense manner.  I wanted my baby.  And since I knew that wasn't possible, I was mad and felt like giving up.

My breaking point came when I attended a bridal shower this month.  A cousin of mine was there with her newborn baby.  A little girl born a week before Gabriella's due date.  She was precious, tiny, sweet, and everything I imagined when I thought of what my baby girl would be like.  I heard her little cries and her baby sucking sounds when eating.  And I completely lost it.  It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body.  I wanted a baby so badly.  I should have had a baby.  It wasn't fair.  I left the party feeling very defeated.  I came home and told Brett I didn't want to live this life anymore. 

This life was too hard.  I wasn't strong enough for it.  I couldn't handle living life without my daughter.  And I didn't want to live without my daughter.  To think of feeling this pain and heartache for 30, 40, or 50 more years of my life was just too much.  There was no way I could do it.  And then I felt anger towards God.  Why did He give me this life to live?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why did He allow some people to have kids who really shouldn't, and yet I'm left here with empty arms?  It just didn't make sense to me.  I cried and cried that night until I had nothing left inside of me.  My head pounded with a horrible headache and I fell asleep emotionally and physically exhausted.

When I woke up the next morning, the sun was shining.  A new day had begun despite me desperately wanting life to just stop.  My kids and Brett needed me, so I went through the motions of being a good mommy and wife even when everything inside of me was screaming in pain.  I did this "autopilot" living for awhile; cleaning house, exercising, making meals, grocery shopping, doing laundry, all while feeling dead inside.  

And then Brett told me it was time to finalize Gabriella's burial arraignments.  We had been keeping her ashes at the funeral home until we were ready to set up a burial.  We just hadn't been ready to do that yet.  I still wasn't ready to do that.  It was just another reminder that our daughter was dead.  I didn't want to have to bury my baby.  I didn't want to have to pick out a headstone.  I just didn't want to face it.  I wasn't strong enough.  But on that day, Brett forced me to the funeral home because he said "it was time".  And it was time.  It was exactly what I needed.  And when we left the funeral home, I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders.  

On that day, I faced my reality.  I am a mother to a child in heaven.  And I will be forever.  Yes, I will always miss Gabriella.  Yes, I will have bad days.  Yes, my heart will probably always hurt for what wasn't meant to be.  But none of that has to stop me from living.  It will be hard and there will be plenty more days where I will feel like giving up.  And on those hard days I will need to remind myself that I am here for a reason.  God has a plan for me and I need to honor Gabriella by living my life with purpose.  Living on "autopilot" just won't do.  I want to give up my life to God.  Remembering that each day is a gift from Him and always trying to live it in a manner that would make Him happy and Gabriella proud.  This is my promise...I have a lot more life to live.  

  

Choices

Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate conflict.  In situations where my "fight or flight" instincts kick in, I usually fly away.  When I have an argument with a family member or friend, I usually just leave and walk away from the person.  I think this is partly because I need time to think things through before I react in a way that I would regret later.  But I think the main reason I run away from conflict is because I really hate not feeling in control.  I like things neat, orderly, predictable, and happy.  And when life isn't going that way, I struggle.  Obviously my life lately has been anything but neat, orderly, predictable, or happy.  And I am struggling.  Some days I struggle a lot.  I have been in many situations where all I want to do is run away from the pain.  To the comfort of my bed...away from people...where I can be alone with my thoughts.  

When a good friend told me she was pregnant, two weeks after Gabriella passed away, I ran away.  I ran to my bed and I stayed there for days.  I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep.  All I did was cry.  Life felt cruel. I struggled to even take care of my boys.  I remember one morning Kaleb asked me if they could eat breakfast.  It was almost 10:30 in the morning and I was still in bed ignoring life around me.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit how poorly I was taking care of myself and my kids at that time.  The choice was mine, and I had chosen to run away.

When I volunteered in Kaleb's classroom a month after Gabriella was gone, a little girl came up to me and asked me where my baby was.  She saw I didn't have a pregnant belly anymore and wanted to know if I had my baby.  When I told her no, she wanted to know what happened.  My heart felt like it was breaking in bits.  I couldn't breathe.  I wanted to run out of the classroom and go back home where it was safe.  But I stayed.  I told the little girl to get ready for school and to not worry about my baby at that moment.  I'm proud of myself in that situation.  I chose to stay even when I felt panicked.

These two situations show that every day, in every moment, I have a choice.  I can run away from the pain and feel angry at God for giving me this life to live.  And trust me, there have been moments and times when I have...

*I have blocked "friends" on Facebook because I cannot handle to see their posts about being pregnant.

*I have asked my pastor to tell me when there is a baptism in church because I know I'm not strong enough to watch it and will just stay home.  

*I leave situations where there are brand new babies around me.  Especially if these babies were born when Gabriella was or should have been.

*I have sold our baby toys, car seats, and baby bedding because I couldn't handle seeing it in our home and knowing that they wouldn't get used.

I pray that I won't always feel the need to run away in these situations.  I hope that as my pain lessens, I will be able to stay in these situations that force me to remember my baby girl and all that wasn't meant to be.

In time I know I will accept this life and trust that God gave it to me for a reason.  Running away from the pain won't bring Gabriella back to me.  Being angry at God won't take away my sadness.  I was having a bad night not too long ago and feeling sorry for myself.  I was talking to Gabriella in my mind and telling her I wasn't strong enough to live this life without her.  I was crying and feeling hopeless.  I closed my eyes and instantly saw a white cross in the blackness of my vision.  It was amazing.  I knew at that moment Gabriella was telling me I didn't have to worry about being strong enough, because God is my strength.  And the only way I will get through this pain is by having complete trust in Him.  When I feel like running away because my grief hurts too much, I know that all I need to say is "God I need you, help me".  

No, my life isn't neat, orderly, or predictable right now.  And some days I don't feel very happy.  But I am so grateful that I don't have to be in charge.  I don't have to worry about what comes next.  God has that part of my life covered.  He has things under control and everything is happening exactly as He wants it.  All I need to do is trust Him, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride.  The choice is all mine, and I choose my faith.  

{Good} Friday

Today on Good Friday, Gabriella's due date, I thought a lot about death.  I thought about it all day as I thought of Gabriella and how she should be here in my arms.  I heard about it at church tonight as we remembered Jesus' crucifixion on the cross.  And with these thoughts of death came feelings of despair, darkness, and loneliness.  It was a sad day for me.  A depressing day.  On days like today it is hard to find hope.    

On my last blog post I had a lot of questions for God.  I wondered why He allowed this to happen and why it had to happen to me.  I was hurt that He didn't answer my prayers.  Yesterday, on Maundy Thursday, we remembered the story of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Jesus was feeling overwhelmed with what was to come and prayed to God.  He fell to the ground in despair and prayed.

  

“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)

Jesus prayed this to God three different times and yet God did not answer him.  Jesus, God's own son, did not get his prayers answered.  God did not change His mind even though He knew His son would be hurt and that other people would feel pain when Jesus died.  God knew what needed to happen in order to save all sinners.  And He sacrificed His own son in order for that to happen.  This is amazing.  When I was on my knees asking God to protect Gabriella and to keep her safe, He didn't answer me.  It was not His will.  He doesn't want us to be sad or to feel pain, but He can use these painful circumstances to His glory.  I'm not sure why God needed Gabriella in heaven, but I trust that there is goodness that will come from the pain.  God's plan is too big to understand, but some day it will all make sense.   

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

During Good Friday service tonight at church I couldn't stop thinking about Mary and the pain she felt from seeing her son die.  She stood in the crowd and watched Jesus until he took his last breath.  I cannot understand how horrible this would be to witness.  But I can understand a portion of Mary's grief for losing her child.  I understand the sadness she felt at thinking it would be the last time she felt him, saw him, heard him.  I understand the feeling of losing a part of your soul and not knowing how to survive without it.  I understand how alone she had to feel.  But even then, while on the cross dying, Jesus made sure his mother would not be alone.

When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,”  and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

(John 19:26-27)

Jesus asked John to care for his mother after he died.  He knew she would need the love and support when she was consumed with grief.  I, too, feel like God has placed important people in my life to help me while I grieve.  It's amazing how a phone call, a text message, a letter, a card, etc. can brighten my darkest days.  And I truly feel that God places these people in my life at exactly the right time.  God doesn't want me to be alone in my grief.  So, thank you to everyone who helps me get through each day with your love and support.

Mary had the support from friends and family, yet it had to be hard for her to find hope after Jesus died.  I'm sure there were feelings of anger, guilt, and sadness that consumed her thoughts.  And now looking back at the Easter story, we know that Mary doesn't have to wait long to find hope.  In just three days Jesus returns from the dead!  Oh, the joy and happiness Mary had to feel at seeing her son again.  What a miraculous event!  And because of Jesus' selfless act of dying on the cross for our sins, I will someday be able to see my sweet Gabriella in heaven.  What joy that day will bring...  

I don't know how long it will be for me to find the hope in this pain.  Right now everything still feels so dark, sad, and overwhelming.  I just recently found a connection with my grief and the fire damage from Wednesday's grass fires.  As a family tonight, we drove to the land that was burnt and sat and stared at the acres of dark ground.  The ground was black, it smelled, and it was ugly to see.  It's hard to imagine that anything good could survive from something that horrible.  But something good will come from the ashes.  The fire will help manage the weeds, it will reduce the risk of future wildfires, it will help restore nutrients in the grasses which ultimately will help the plant growth for the future. This is amazing to me!  In a month or so, that area will not be black, smelly, or ugly.  It will be the exact opposite.  There will be new beautiful growth for all to see!  I can only hope for that transformation in my life too.  I can hope that there will be light in the future instead of the darkness I feel now.  That there will be happiness instead of the sadness.  And that I will feel trust that God is directing my life in the way He feels is best instead of feeling overwhelmed with life's struggles.  That is my hope this Easter weekend.  That from the dark ashes of this grief will come new life that will grow stronger and more faithful as each day passes.