Questions

This has been a rough month.  And now it's the beginning of an even harder week.  The week of Gabriella's due date.  This is the week that I anticipated from the moment I found out I was pregnant.  April 3rd was always the finish line; the time we would receive our precious gift. I had thought it was so wonderful that her due date was on Good Friday and over the Easter weekend.  What an amazing time to celebrate new life!  But now things are different and I feel so upset that instead of celebrating new life we are grieving all that is lost.  April 3rd is going to be a very difficult day for me.  And as I sit here thinking about all that should've been, I have questions that I so desperately need answered...    

Why me?  Why did this tragedy have to happen to me and my family?  Why was Gabriella taken away from us?  I just don't understand why God allowed this to happen.  Especially when I know He had the power to change the outcome.  Why didn't He?  After my water broke, I prayed desperately to God asking Him to keep my daughter safe.  I asked for health and healing, and also for more time so our little baby would be able to survive outside of my tummy.  But my prayers weren't answered.  Why?  Why wasn't God listening to me?  Why didn't He want to help me?

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me.  Am I not a "good enough" person and that's why God didn't hear my prayers?  Maybe I didn't do enough or maybe I wasn't asking in the right way.  I don't know.  But I have felt a lot of guilt and have wondered "if only" I would've done things differently, maybe Gabriella would be here now with me.

If only...I had felt content with two children rather than feeling such a strong desire to have another baby.  If only...I hadn't continued to run 2 miles every other day while pregnant with Gabriella.  If only...I had requested more tests when I started bleeding the doctors would have found the infection before my water broke.  If only...I had demanded to stay in the hospital instead of coming home to be on bed rest.  If only...I had been given antibiotics right away.  If only...

If any of these things had changed, would the outcome have been different?  Would Gabriella be here today instead of in heaven?  I don't know.  And it is so frustrating for me that I don't know why this happened or if I could have done something differently to keep Gabriella safe.  And as I sit here and think about all of these questions, I realize that maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong way...maybe instead of asking "why" and "if only", I should be asking "what now".

What now God?  My life has been torn apart.  I feel broken and lonely.  What now?  What is your plan for me?  I know that all of this happened for a reason, so what is it that I need to do to fulfill Your purpose?  I realize that when I feel so desperate to know all of the answers, this is my way to gain control over my life.  But that is wrong.  I'm not in control, and for that I am grateful.  Please Lord, show me the way.  Guide me towards the light.

    

Fog

I'm not sure who I am anymore.  I'm not "me", at least not the "me" that I used to be.  And I hate it.  I hate that everything feels so different now.  I do the things that I used to do before Gabriella, but now it's not the same.  I'm not the same.  I feel like I'm constantly in a fog and I'm not quite aware of what is happening around me.  When will this fog go away?  When will I feel clear again?  When will I feel like "me" again?

It's so difficult to explain this fog that is around me.  It's there with me when I wake up in the morning and it sticks around all day until I go to bed at night.  It fills my ears with white noise and it takes away my taste buds.  It clouds my vision so I have a difficulty seeing bright colors.  It sits on my chest and makes it difficult to breathe.  It brings tears to my eyes at the most awkward of times.  And worst of all, it fills my mind with cloudy thoughts making it difficult for me to focus.  This fog, my grief, has taken "me" away.

I hate that this fog has taken over my body.  I hate that the fog controls me.  I hate that it takes away the enjoyment in things I used to love.  I used to love coffee, but now it tastes bitter and leaves me feeling jittery.  I used to love to read, but now I cannot focus on the words to understand what the story is about.  I used to love to watch reality tv shows, but now the characters seem so silly and superficial.  I used to love to talk with friends, but now my mind is so cloudy it's hard for me to focus on what they are saying.  I try so hard to push the fog away, to get back to living my life.  But it's a struggle and as hard as I push the fog away, it pushes right back harder at me.

And there are some days where the fog pushes so hard that it suffocates me.  These are the days that the fog controls my mind and clouds my thoughts with the "what should've beens".  The days when I think I should be sitting at home holding Gabriella; nursing her, hugging her, kissing her.  The days I see pregnant women with big swollen bellies and faces filled with anticipation and joy, and I feel such strong jealousy.  The days when another birth announcement shows up on Facebook, and I think that should've been us.  That's when the fog suffocates me so hard that I fall to my knees in pain.  And I cry for what was taken away.

But when I'm down on my knees in pain, I know it's the perfect time to pray to God.  I ask God to clear my mind and open my heart to what He wants me to see.  To do what He wants me to do.  To feel what He wants me to feel.  And the fog lifts a little bit.  Enough for me to feel like I can breathe again.  And I thank God because I know the fog would take over my body and life if it wasn't for Him.

And as crazy as it sounds, I really think God wants me to see this fog and truly experience it.  He doesn't want me to run from my grief in fear and denial.  Instead He wants me to feel the heartache, to see the jealousy, to cry the tears, and to scream out to Him in frustration.  Because then, and only then when I have hit rock bottom, can God build me back up again.  And I can feel that He is working on me right now.  Piece by piece, He is creating a new "me".  Not the "me" I was before Gabriella.  A better "me".

I'm not sure when this fog will go away, but I do know that God will never leave me.  And it comforts me to know that eventually this new "me" will shine so brightly from the love God built within my soul that the fog will have no choice but to leave.  

Signs from Above

Every day I ask God to give me strength to make it through another day without Gabriella.  I ask Him to give me peace in knowing that she is in heaven and feeling no pain.  And I pray for guidance in our future and hope that there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel.  These are the things I pray to God when I first open my eyes in the morning and what I ask of Him when I go to bed at night.  I know that He hears me and I know that He is always with me.  I have spent time thinking about these past few months since Gabriella passed and have realized that there are some very specific signs from God showing me that He has His arms around us right now.

First, and most importantly, are our boys.  Kaleb and Kollin have both said some incredibly sensitive things while seeing us grieve.  They have an insight that is amazing at their young ages.  It is so amazing that I know God is helping them to understand their sadness and find peace in it.  Here are a few examples of things the boys have said to us in these past few months:
1. When we first came home from the hospital in December we were sitting together as a family with our arms around one another.  Kaleb explained that he and Kollin saw a commercial on tv with an angel in it.  Kaleb said he told Kollin, "That's what our sister looks like.  She is our guardian angel and she is watching over us in heaven".  It warmed our hearts to know that Kaleb understood that Gabriella was in heaven and was explaining it to Kollin...especially since it had only been days since she passed away.
2. The week of Christmas, I was feeling especially sad and lonely without Gabriella.  I told the boys that I missed her and wished she was with us.  Kollin immediately told me, "She is here!  She's right beside us and she will always be with us! She's our angel watching over us!"  I started crying because it is true and exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.  Gabriella will always be a part of us and will always be in our hearts.
3. We were eating dinner together a few weeks ago when Kaleb said, "We have 3 boys in our family and 3 girls in our family.  Daddy, Kaleb, and Kollin are on the boys' team.  And Mommy, Gabriella, and Addie(our dog) are on the girls' team!"  We all smiled at this thought and made a joke out of how mommy has a dog and an angel on her team.  But I love knowing that Kaleb is keeping her a part of our family forever.
4. Just last week Kaleb was talking about the local Father/Daughter dance in our community.  He said, "Daddy could go!  He has a daughter, but she's an angel, so it would look like he's going by himself!"  Again, I love that Kaleb honors Gabriella's memory by thinking of her as a member of our family.  And when he hears something about sisters or daughters, he thinks of her.
5. And then just a few days ago Kaleb said something that really warmed my heart.  We were talking about families who have 5-6 kids and how different that would be from our family.  Kaleb stated that he wanted 4 kids in our family.  I exclaimed, "You want us to have 2 more kids?!"  And he said very calmly, "No, Mommy, not 2 more kids.  We already have Gabriella, so we only need one more kid to make it 4 kids in our family."   This statement brought tears to my eyes because it's true.  We don't just have 2 kids in our family.  We have 3; two live here with us and one lives in our hearts.  And she always will be with us.

Another time I felt like God has spoken to me has been right before I drift off to sleep.  It's at that time when I'm just about to start dreaming.  About one month ago, I was in this very relaxed state when I suddenly saw a little girl's profile.  And then she turned and looked at me.  I startled awake and sat up in bed.  My heart was beating very quickly and my hands were shaking.  I can't remember what this girl looked like now but it was something that felt very important to me.  A few weeks ago, I was in this same almost-dreaming state when I pictured a baby's hand opening and closing inside a crib.  It was very peaceful and very detailed.  I can still remember the baby's dimpled skin and blue fuzzy sleeper it was wearing.  And just last week I had a dream that I can't stop thinking about.  I was carrying a car seat around with a baby inside of it, but telling everyone that I just couldn't look at my baby.  Because I knew that she had to leave me and I didn't want to bond with her.  I didn't want to see her before she had to go.  I begged for others to help me, to help my baby stay with me.  But no one could help.  Until someone told me, "Just look at her".  When I finally did, I saw a little girl with strawberry blond hair and fair skin, she looked just like Brett.  And then she smiled at me this most amazing, big smile.  This is all I remember, because shortly after that part I woke up.  I'm not sure what these dreams are telling me, but I'm hoping that they are God's way of letting me know that Gabriella is in heaven and doing just fine.

I received another "sign" this week when I was finally cleaning up the Christmas cards that were hanging up in our kitchen.  There was an advent calendar taped next to the cards that the boys had done on their own.  Since I was on bed rest during the advent season, I did not help the boys open the boxes each day.  And then we were in the hospital and trying to process Gabriella's death the rest of the month, so we didn't do much at all with that calendar.  But the boys had still found time to open 4 boxes on their own.  And they didn't choose the boxes according to the right number of day it was.  They just chose random boxes.  This week I read the boxes they opened.  Here's what they said,
1. The angel Gabriel was sent from God.
2. Then the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, for you have found favor with God".
3. And coming to her he said, "Hail favored one!  The Lord is with you!"
4. The people who walk in darkness have seen a great light.
These four messages in the advent calendar speak to me.  They tell me that God has a plan for us and a much bigger plan for Gabriella than we can understand.  And He is always with us and will bring us out of this dark time, we do not need to be fearful for the future.

And yet another "sign" came when I bought Brett a 365-day devotion book for Christmas this year.  He reads this book every morning before he gets ready for work.  I have always loved to look at different yearly devotional books to see what the message is on my birthday.  I think it has to especially speak to me since that is "my" day.  Well, I decided to look at December 11th in Brett's devotional book and see what the message was on Gabriella's special day.  Here's what it said,
We live by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).  There is a reason you are facing the challenges that are before you today.  The purpose for what you encounter is clear--God is developing your faith.  His omnipotent hand has allowed these difficulties to touch you so you will stop counting on your own wisdom or ability and turn your life over to Him.  But you don't understand, you may be thinking.  I need direction today.  I'm desperate for help now!  I have no idea how to survive this.  This is exactly where God wants us.  You've handled it all for far too long, and now--with your skills and strength failing--you are at the end of yourself.  Believe it or not, this is a good place to be.  The Father wants to show you that He is God--the living Lord of all that exists.  So lay your heart out before Him in prayer.  Tell Him you trust Him to help you.  And wait on Him to show you who He really is.  

And my final "sign" from above has been pennies.  My mom told me once that pennies were a sign from heaven, a sign that our loved ones are thinking of us.  I always thought that was silly.  Because there are pennies everywhere!  You can find a penny any where you go, so it never seemed that special to me.  Well, a week after Gabriella passed, I decided to take the boys to school.  I was very nervous to be out in public and scared to leave the safety of my bed.  As soon as I started the engine of the car, Kaleb yelled from the backseat, "Hey!  I found a penny in my cup holder!  Where did that come from?"  I immediately smiled, thinking of the poem my mom told me.  And since then, we find pennies in the most odd places at exactly the right times.  I found a penny sitting on our garage floor next to the door, Kaleb found a penny in a parking lot, and the best one...on a night that I was taking the boys out on a "date" we found a penny at the restaurant we were eating at.  These pennies are little reminders that Gabriella is near.  They make us smile and warm our hearts in knowing that heaven really isn't that far away. 

"PENNIES FROM HEAVEN"

I found a penny today

Just laying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny

This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven

that's what my Grandpa told me.

He said Angels tossed them down

Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you

They toss a penny down,

sometimes just to cheer you up

To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny

When you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven

That an Angel's tossed to you.

All of these stories that I've shared with you are my signs from above. I truly feel that God speaks to us daily, and all we need to do to hear what He is saying is open our hearts, minds, and eyes to the possibility that He is near. His messages are amazing, and without them I wouldn't be where I am today. Instead, I would be in a deep dark hole without any chance of finding my way out. But with Him, I see the light in the distance and I'm slowly, but surely, making my way in that direction.