Hope

Life is hard.  Sometimes it just plain stinks.  Bad things happen to good people and it doesn't make any sense.  I'm struggling with this thought today as I mourn the death of another beloved community member.  In the past week our small community has lost two wonderful individuals to cancer.  Both of these individuals were too young to die and it is hard to see them leave behind their kids and spouses.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Why did God allow this to happen?  Why didn't He take their illness away and heal them completely?  He has the power to do so, so why didn't He?  It's just too hard to understand God's ways.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts

~Isaiah 55:8-9

It's hard to find hope in life when everything around you crumbles.  After Gabriella passed away, I tried to find hope any way I could.  I read blogs on the Internet about other moms who lost their children.  I would soak up their stories because I could relate to their hurt and their pain of living without their babies.  I could identify with each mom who came to tell me their story of infant loss, whether it was due to illness, stillbirth, or miscarriage.  I craved to hear more and more and more.  Because there was one very important thing I received when I heard and read their stories: Hope.  These women had experienced darkness, death, struggles, hurt, pain, tears, sadness, loss...and yet, they were still living.  They had learned to move on despite the heavy weight of grief in their hearts.  They were survivors. 

Hope: (noun) the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Hope is what gets me out of bed each morning.  It's what helps me when I feel lost.  Having hope in the future gives me the strength to put one foot in front of the other and live.  I'm not sure what our future holds; but I can hope that it includes more children.  I can hope in God and pray that His ways are so much bigger and better than I could ever imagine.  Hope is what helps me when I grieve with the families who lost their loved ones this week.  Because although we are sad and miss them, we know they are now in heaven with God's arms around them.  And we can hope for that outcome for ourselves some day too.  Our hope is in God, in heaven, in everlasting life.  Where we will hug and kiss our loved ones that we have missed so dearly.  That is the ultimate hope.  

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one also hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. 

~Romans 8:24-25

I recently read somewhere that our loved ones in heaven speak to us through music.  This seems especially true for me lately.  There are so many songs that move me to tears and fill me with strength.  This song, "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey is one that really speaks to my heart.  I pray this song will fill you with as much hope as it does for me.  

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. ~Jeremiah 29:11

What I Need...

Everyone handles their grief differently and everyone needs different things that can help them while they grieve.  There really isn't a right or wrong way to help a person who is grieving. But it is important to realize that each person might need something specific to help them get through each day.  So that is why I decided to write down what I need at this time.  Please realize that this is not me asking you specifically to do these things every time you see me.  I am just letting you know what helps me especially when I am having a rough day.  I know so many of you have said to me that you don't know what to say or do to help me...well, here it is:

1. I need hugs.
This seems so simple, but it's true.  I am not a touch-feely person, and I don't usually love having other people touch me.  But through this experience I have realized that a hug can bring me back to reality when I am so lost in my own thoughts.  A hug shows me that you care and this means so much to me.  A hug is something that just makes me feel like I am not alone.  And grief is lonely...

2. I need you to ask me how I'm doing.
Please know that when you ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to be completely honest with you.  I'm going to tell you when I'm having a bad day or when my day has been good.  Be prepared for that.  I need you to care enough to listen to why I'm having a bad day.  To find out what triggered my sadness at a particular moment.  Because when I talk about it, I feel better.

3. I need to talk about Gabriella.
Gabriella is my daughter.  She always will be even though she lives in heaven rather than in my arms.  Please don't act like she never happened.  I want to honor her by talking about her, by remembering her, by always loving her.  You are not respecting me or my family if you cannot acknowledge that she is part of us.  She is our guardian angel and not only is she watching over us and keeping us safe, she is also bringing us closer to God by strengthening our faith.  She is way too important to forget.

4. I need you to stay positive.
We experienced something sad, hard, devastating, depressing, horrible...But that does not mean our lives are sad, hard, devastating, depressing, or horrible.  Far from it.  Gabriella has given us a purpose, a wake-up call to live life to the fullest.  Please give us hope by finding the positive amidst the sadness.  I never want my boys to think that our lives were ruined because Gabriella passed away.  I never want them to look at me and think I was ruined after Gabriella was gone.  Instead, I want them to see a change in me.  A positive change that could only be orchestrated by God.  And by seeing that change the boys would know God, see God, and feel God more in all of our lives.

5. I need you to tell me your story. 
I have had women contact me through e-mail, Facebook, or letters to tell me that I'm not alone.  Many of these women have stopped by my house to speak with me about the grief they experienced when losing their children.  I cannot even begin to express to you how much it has meant to me to hear their stories.  It has given me hope to see that they have found joy and peace through their pain.  That there is light even in the darkest times.  If you have lost a child at any stage of life, please tell me your story.  Let's honor our children by talking about them and remembering them in our lives.  I feel strongly that God places important people in our lives to help us at difficult times.  This is His way to show us we are never alone.

6. I need you to pray.
This one is the most important thing I need.  And I truly believe it's what every single grieving person needs.  When you don't know what to say or do to help someone who is grieving...just pray.  God will guide you in the right direction.  Please pray for my family.  Pray for peace as we learn to live a life with a piece of our hearts missing.  Ask God to strengthen our faith and to learn to trust in His will.  Please pray for light when the world seems so dark.  And most importantly, please pray that God places hope in our hearts for a future that may seem scary but will ultimately fulfill God's purpose.

Thank you for your love, your kindness, your faith.  I know I cannot handle my grief on my own.  I am grateful for the support you give me.  And it is my hope that I can help someone in the same manner some day.  

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.  Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

~2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Living in the Now

I woke up this morning and had to remind myself that Gabriella was gone.  I had to feel my stomach to realize that I didn't have a baby bump anymore.  I had to relive all that happened 8 weeks ago today.  Because this morning before I opened my eyes, when I was in that in-between state of dreaming and reality, I felt like everything that happened was a dream.  I felt like Gabriella was happy and healthy rolling around in my tummy and we were busy planning for the day she would arrive in our lives.  But then I opened my eyes and realized I was wrong.  Gabriella was gone.  And the cruel reality of our lives hit me like a punch in the stomach.

Lately I have had a hard time letting go of the past.  I relive every step of my pregnancy with Gabriella.  The day we found out we were pregnant, the day we told the boys they would be big brothers, the day I started showing a baby belly, the day we found out we were having a little girl...but along with those happy memories, I'm also reliving the scary moments in the pregnancy.  The day I started bleeding, the day I had an emergency trip to Sioux Falls in an ambulance, the day my water broke, the days I stayed in the hospital, the day Gabriella's heart stopped beating...these memories are bringing me to my knees in pain and heartache.  And it just feels like I cannot let go of the past.  What could I have done differently?  Should I have noticed warning signs before it was too late?  Oh how I wish I would have appreciated the pregnancy more in the early months before the complications started.  The coulda, shoulda, woulda feelings are driving me crazy!

And then I think of my boys.  Kaleb just turned 8 years old last month and Kollin is 5 years old.  How are they that old already?!  Where did the time go?  I look through old pictures of them as babies and I relive all of their milestones.  And I start feeling panic.  Did I appreciate the baby stage for all that it was?  I'm not sure.  I was so sleep-deprived and moving on autopilot each day that I worry I missed a lot of important moments.  Oh how I wish I could turn back time and hold them a little bit longer in the middle of the night.  And kiss their sweet little baby cheeks.  And remember their baby giggles.  Because that time is over.  We will never get it back.  We may never experience that baby time again in our lives.  And the boys are getting older and more independent each day.  Soon we will be sending them off to college to begin their adult lives.  It will come quicker than I can even imagine.  Because isn't that the piece of advice every mom gives to a new mom, "Enjoy this stage because they grow up way too fast".  I never realized how true that statement was until recently.

Living in the past is draining.  I can sit and think all day long about the time I will never get back.  And some days I do.  And some days it hurts because I wish I could re-do some of the special moments that happened.  But by reliving the past I am missing out on what is right in front of my eyes.  Yes, my boys are 8 and 5 years old.  And yes, they are growing older every minute.  But there is still a lot of time left to cherish.  I want to live in the "now" and enjoy every moment.  The future is scary and unknown.  Who knows where this road will take us?  We don't know, but God knows.  And God will be there with us every step of the way.  God was there with us in the past throughout every joy and tragedy.  And He remembers it all.  And God is with us right now.  He will never leave us.  Whatever life throws at us, God is by our side.  Oh, what comfort that brings.